Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,

Oh, the Places You Shouldn't Go!

A Note from the Poet: This is not the first Dr Seuss parody ever written, nor will it be the last, I'm sure. Nonetheless, it's the first one by me. It was inspired by a recent social event, during which allemande and I ended up discussing the excesses of fanfic with some Real Life mates of mine. Eyebrows were raised, jaws were dropped, and this thing was the result. Apologies to anyone whose childhood I'm ruining....

Can You Slash Green Eggs and Ham?
(with apologies to the late Theodor Seuss Geisel)




I'm Madam!
Madam Spam!
A fan I am!


That Madam Spam.
That Madam Spam.
I do not like
folk who post spam!

Could you slash
green eggs and ham?


I could not slash them,
Madam Spam.
I would not slash
green eggs and ham.

Would you slash them
here or there?


I would not slash them
here or there.
Not if you tied me
To a chair.
You should not slash
green eggs and ham.
So do not slash them,
Madam Spam.

Could they do it
in a hut?
Could they do it
up the butt?


They could not do it
in a hut.
They could not do it
up the butt.
They could not do it
here or there.
They could not do it
anywhere.
They can't have sex, they're eggs and ham.
You cannot slash them, Madam Spam!

Could they do it
on the floor?
Could they, up against
a door?


Not on the floor,
Against a door,
Nor in a hut,
Nor up the butt.
I would not slash them here or there.
Don't taunt me so. It's quite unfair!
I cannot slash green eggs and ham.
I will not slash them, Madam Spam.

They could get drunk
In a bar!
Slash them! See how
Hot they are!


They would not,
could not,
in a bar.

You could slash them,
at a pinch.
You could slash them
with the Grinch!


I would not, could not with the Grinch.
The mere idea would make me flinch!

Not with a fish that's red or blue.
Not with Thing 1, not with Thing 2.
Not with a cat that wears a hat.
I'm simply not a fan of that.
Not with a fox, not wearing socks.
I don't care if YOU think it rocks.
I cannot slash green eggs and ham.
I will not slash them, Madam Spam.

In France! In Spain!
In angst! In pain!
Would you like them
Wracked with pain?


Oh, not again! No angst! No pain!
No France, no Spain. Are you insane?

I won't read green egg emo fluff.
I won't read ham-filled kinky stuff.
No eggs and ham hurt/comfort fic.
The very concept makes me sick.
Not in a fridge. Not on a plate.
I'm quite convinced they'd never date.
I will not slash green eggs and ham.
It is not canon, Madam Spam!

Say!
In the park?
Or with a shark?
Something sexy, something dark?


They would not, could not,
in the park.

Would they, in the rain or hail?

They would not in the rain or hail.
Not with a shark. Not with a whale.
Not snorting coke. Not high on crack.
They'd never end up in the sack.
Not in the bath. Not in the hall.
These two should not be slashed at all.
Not for a bet. Not for a dare.
I will not slash them anywhere!

I thought you liked
green eggs and ham?


But I won't
slash them,
Madam Spam.

Could they, would they,
on a ship?


They would not,
could not,
on a ship!

Would they, could they,
with a whip?


They could not, would not, with a whip,
In chains or on an acid trip!
I will not slash them on a train.
Not torn apart with angst or pain.
Not drunk on rum or wine or beer.
Not swinging from a chandelier!
I do not want them in a bed.
I do not want them in my head.
Not with a duck. Not with a swan.
Green eggs and ham can't get it on!
Believe me please, it's true, I swear
I will not slash them ANYWHERE!

I cannot slash
green eggs and ham.
I will not slash them,
Madam Spam.

You will not slash them.
So you say.
Read some fanfic!
And you may.
You may think my way, I say.


Fine!
Although I disagree,
I will read some...
OMG!

Hey!
I LOVE green eggs and ham!
And I WILL slash them, Madam Spam!
Yes, I will slash them, wrong or right
And slash them twenty times a night!

And though I may have gone insane.
I'll even slash them on a train.
And in a bar. And out at sea.
They are so frigging hot, you see!

And I will slash them with the Grinch
A green and steamy three-way clinch
And I will slash them up a tree
And with a Mary-Sue of me.
I can't resist this sexy pair.
Yay! I will slash them EVERYWHERE!

Green eggs can SO have sex with ham!
Don't blame me,
Blame Madam Spam!


THE END
(thankfully)

Tags: fandom, green eggs and ham, poems by me
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