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VOLDEMORT TO STEP DOWN ON JULY 21
Cheered by Death Eater faithful
Potter conflict "all over bar the shouting"
Rumour claims he will "adopt seventeen orphans and marry Angelina Jolie"
After a tense period of waiting, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named today named the day that he will quit his role as ultimate overlord of all wizarding kind. On July 21 he plans to step down as leader of the Death Eaters in order to enjoy his own lasting legacy of evil from a relaxing distance.
His critics point out that this leaves an extremely tight timetable in which to achieve the complete world domination that has so far remained tantalizing out of his grasp, but the Dark Lord claims to be confident that his victory is assured and no "bleeding-heart blonde writer" can stand in his way.
According to the announced schedule, he will claim victory on July 21 and immediately begin a lengthy speech about the intricate brilliance of his own nefarious plans and why any attempts to stop him were always doomed to failure. This will be followed by a gala dinner at Death Eater HQ, after which he will hand over the day-to-day running of his empire to his followers, and then jet off on his luxury broom to his newly refurbished Transylvanian holiday villa, where he plans to start growing olives and catching up with The West Wing on DVD.
In a typically hubristic speech, he said any judgment on his reign of terror was "entirely down to me, and I don't give a Kneazle turd what any of you worthless minions think". The Dark Lord paid particular tribute to his nemesis Harry Potter, "for making me look good and ultimately being so pathetically easy to beat whimpering into the ground. Technically, of course, I haven't finished doing this yet, but any fool knows it's basically in the bag."
He also stated that his reincarnated body had lived up to all expectations but he apologized for the fact that his nose had fallen short.