Red Scharlach Speaks to the Nation

The kind of mate I'm contemplating

Thu, 23 May 2013 18:55:08 GMT

You may have noticed that Star Trek Into Darkness has kicked up a bit of controversy for various reasons. One spoiler-free example is the fact that the movie includes a scene with Alice Eve in her bra and knickers for no particular reason, but a scene featuring Benedict Cumberbatch in the shower somehow ended up on the cutting room floor. How strange and unfair.

Anyway, in the interests of promoting equal-opportunities lechery for all, I've been thinking VERY hard about what the Trekkite Powers That Be could do to rectify this silly mistake in future movies. Here's one suggestion:

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However, I will continue to give the matter serious consideration and see if I can come up with any other ~~shameless excuses~~ forward-thinking solutions...

Today will take its time to tell you what tonight will bring

Mon, 20 May 2013 21:39:56 GMT

Hello, sadly neglected Livejournal. So, what have I been up to lately, other than mucking about on Tumblr instead of writing coherent sentences and posting them in here? Well, I've seen the new Star Trek film: a review and/or some art may (or may not) follow shortly. Also, my Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch made it on to the Letterman show AND another Cumberbatch interview, a fact that continues to daze and confuse me if I think about it too hard.

Oh yes, and the latest season of Doctor Who came to a relatively entertaining climax, and inspired me to produce the following scribble:

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Clara doesn't know where she's going or where she's been. But darn it, she knows how to dress...

Putting the "stark" back into Stark Industries...

Tue, 07 May 2013 19:41:18 GMT

Another bit of silliness inspired by Iron Man 3, but totally spoiler-free. Yes, this is NOT a depiction of an actual scene from the movie, so please don't sue me for any disappointment caused.

Basically, I know those armoured suits must have in-built air-con, but in the event of technical failure, I thought one of these might come in handy...

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We'll all need our smelling salts in a minute

Thu, 02 May 2013 08:22:32 GMT

I went to see Iron Man 3 at the weekend, and although it didn't quite reach the giddy heights of the Avengers movie for me, it was jolly entertaining.

It also contained a gratuitous reference to Downton Abbey*, which inspired me to create this even more gratuitous costumed crossover.

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* Knowing this tiny tidbit will not spoil any of the movie's many amusing jokes, I promise.

It's Iceland, or the Philippines, or Hastings, or this place

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 22:30:09 GMT

Good grief, I seem to have produced a Doctor Who scribble. It's inspired by the episode Cold War, and more specifically by the very ending of that episode, so I've hidden it discreetly behind a cut for the spoilerphobic amongst you.

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Maybe the Russians did give the Doctor and Clara a lift as requested, but most lifts don’t involve going halfway around the planet, do they? So this is simply my mental image of the alternative scenario.

Also, I know the Doctor probably DOES speak whale (after all, he speaks Horse and Baby, among other esoteric tongues), but it amused me too much to think that Dory from Finding Nemo could possess a special skill that the Doctor lacked...

A whole new world (of wrong)

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 18:38:04 GMT

It's hard to get any Sherlock news these days without skirting the scary shores of spoilertasticality*, so instead, I've come up with another bit of Sherlockian silliness that contains absolutely NO SPOILERS whatsoever.

And also no sense whatsoever, but when has that ever stopped me?

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* I'm pretty sure this is the correct term.

Come out of the cupboard, all you boys and girls

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 20:54:25 GMT

Tragically but truly, I'm still unfeasibly excited about the prospect of Star Trek Into Darkness, which is now only a month away*. The advance tickets have gone on sale and there are now posters popping up all over the Tube.

It was seeing one of the latter than inspired the following piece of silliness, because the poster prominently features a futuristic London skyline suffering the destructive effects of a certain Mr B. Cumberbatch. This got me thinking: if we have prominent buildings called the Gherkin and the Shard now, what kind of silly names will we give to the skyscrapers of the 23rd century?

Well, here are a few suggestions...

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* If you're a lucky denizen of the British Isles, anyway. The rest of the world have to wait a little bit longer. Sorry, world.

Adorable creatures with unacceptable features

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 23:24:18 GMT

It was announced this week that Pixar are making a sequel to Finding Nemo, entitled Finding Dory. I'm not even a particularly huge fan of the original (although it's quite entertaining), but the news swum around in my imagination for all of five minutes before the most obsessive corner of my mind predictably decided that what the world needs now is a ridiculous Finding Nemo/Sherlock crossover.

So here it is. Sorry.

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A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 00:20:06 GMT

Ooh, ooh, ooh, another trailer for Star Trek Into Darkness has been released! I'm rather excited, I must admit, although I'm also getting to the stage where a) I don't really want to know any more about the actual film than I already do (i.e. not much), and b) I'm starting to question my own anticipation levels: maybe it won't be as good as I'm hoping? But then I reassure myself by remembering that it could contain 2 hours of Benedict Cumberbatch reading out of the 23rd century phonebook and I'd probably be quite content.

Speaking of Mr 'Batch, he features quite heavily in the new trailer, and I was therefore inspired to produce the following scribble.

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Klytus, I'm bored...

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 09:04:00 GMT

When contemporary popular culture fails to please, go retro. That's my motto and I'm sticking to it.

You may or may not be old enough to remember the 1980 movie version of Flash Gordon but I'm certainly am and it always fills me with the glow of lovingly toasted cheese, seasoned with a sprinkling of the sauce of unexpected perviness.

Hence, this minor tribute.

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In other news, it's possible to download a Brian Blessed app to wake you up in the morning. The mere fact that this exists gives me great satisfaction.

A page right out of history

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 23:35:23 GMT

Much online excitement this week, because not only is the 3rd series of Sherlock about to be filmed, but we've also been promised a 4th series, which by my reckoning should provide televisual angst and anticipation until the year 2086.

Still, that's all a long way off, so while I wait for the next Star Trek movie to come out*, I'm finishing up various bits of half-finished art that have been knocking around my hard drive, waving their hands in the air and trying to attract my attention.

Therefore, here's a bit of Cabin Pressure silliness, inspired entirely by the thought "What would a prehistoric Cabin Pressure AU be called?" The answer is, of course, the following:

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And yes, I'm pretty sure that Gerti would be an elderly and rather temperamental pterodactyl.

* NOT LONG NOW. I'M A BIT EXCITED ABOUT IT. YOU CAN TELL BY THE UNCHARACTERISTIC CAPSLOCK.

Cabin Pressure mini-icons: proceed to the departure hut for series 4!

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 08:45:56 GMT

Pin on your shiniest medals, place your complementary fruit tray in the upright position and make sure your x-ray machine is switched to "Goose" mode, because I've finished a new batch of mini-icons and they are based on Cabin Pressure, series 4!

01. 02. 03.

04. 05. 06.

07. 08. 09.

10. 11. 12.

13. 14. 15.

16. 17. 18.

19. 20. 21.

22. 23. 24.

25. 26. 27.

28. 29. 30.

31. 32. 33.

34. 35. 36.

37. 38. 39.

40. 41. 42.

43. 44. 45.

46. 47. 48.

49. 50. 51.

52. 53. 54.

55. 56. 57.

Plus some extra icons by request!

58. 59. 60.

61. 62. 63.

64. 65. 66.

67. 68. 69.

70. 71. 72.

If you fancy one or more, please take them and enjoy them! My earlier icons for Cabin Pressure series 1 to 3 can be found over here if you want any of those.

In addition, if you'd like a quotation or variation that I haven't provided, let me know and I'll see what our highly trained staff can do to help you...

The horses are all idiots

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 19:37:26 GMT

Forgive me, readers, for I have been posting Cabin Pressure fan-scribblings to Tumblr (such as this and this and this) and not posting them here. I suppose my underlying thought was "these are just quick silly things and not worth posting to LJ", but on second thoughts, if I'd always had that attitude, my LJ would be pretty darn empty, wouldn't it.

So with this in mind, here's another Cabin Pressure mini-thing, inspired by Arthur's attempts to feign man-of-the-world sophistication in the episode "Uskerty":

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By the way, don't squeal it from the rooftops, but a new batch of Cabin Pressure mini-icons are currently underway. Scheduled arrival time: well, that depends very much on prevailing weather conditions in the East London area...

Furry front ears

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 23:05:43 GMT

Usually I try to keep my daftest Photoshop fantasies restricted to the world of Tumblr, but I thought some of you might enjoy this one.

In a nutshell, the latest Star Trek movie stars none other than my beloved Mr Cumberbatch as its villain. A chance glance at its poster therefore led to me making the following piece of otter silliness:

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Sometimes I don't even know why I put my cape on...

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 22:29:36 GMT

Time for another helping of Cabin Pressure fan art from me.

This week’s episode featured the excellent idea of using the eternally enthusiastic Arthur’s unstoppable helpfulness as a sort of superpower. But why stop there? Arthur could be an ACTUAL superhero. In fact, he could be LOTS of superheroes…

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And now folks, it's Sock-It-To-Me time

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 09:05:54 GMT

I recently received a message from an anonymous Tumblr reader, saying "Can you do a Sherlsocks? Pretty please?"

The idea bounced around inside my brain, as these things often do, and the following piece of silliness popped out.

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By happy coincidence, these are suitably warming for the winter weather we're now having, but on no account should they be warn with a sandal in Belgravia...

Terrapins tickle me if I lie

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 00:13:57 GMT

Today saw the return to the airwaves of my very favourite Radio 4 sitcom with Benedict Cumberbatch in it, better known as Cabin Pressure. The opening episode of series 4 was a treat to listen to, even more so because pontisbright and I were in the audience when it was recorded in early December and got to watch Benedict brushing his errant curl out of his face, Roger Allam being suaveness personified, Stephanie Cole swearing a lot and calling Benedict "sweetheart", and John Finnemore being John Finnemore. We squealed a lot.

If you missed it and want to listen in, BBC iPlayer should allow you to hear the show from anywhere in the world. And when you've listened in, you'll know the (slight) relevance of the quote that inspired me to produce the following gratuitous crossover between CP and the forthcoming motion picture Star Trek Into Darkness...

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The Hobbit: An Unexpected Sequel...

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 23:48:14 GMT

First of all, I should confess that I haven't actually seen The Hobbit* yet. Nonetheless, this is no barrier to my imagination, which has been exposed to a lot of publicity posters and has therefore become temporarily enchanted by the ridiculousness of dwarf hairstyles. So much so, in fact, that I somehow found myself creating the following piece of silliness.

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I'm not exactly sure what YMCA could stand for in a Tolkien context: perhaps Your Middle-Earth Coiffure Advisors?

* In fact I haven't even seen all the Lord of the Rings movies; only the first one and I lost interest when Sean Bean died. Ooops.

And today we have drawing of hearts

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 00:29:54 GMT

I must confess that my fannish enthusiasm for Doctor Who remains at a rather low ebb, but I did tune in to The Snowmen on Christmas Day, and was cheered to see the return of some familiar faces. So here's a little pictorial tribute, to make up for the fact that I can't pat Vastra and Jenny on the head and dress them up like dollies in cute little outfits, which is what I really want to do, because they're so sweet together.

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It's a cod-medieval Merlin review masterpost!

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 22:37:00 GMT

Now that Merlin has come to an end, I've had requests for an index of all the Merlin recaps that I've done, to make it easier for folk to look back at earlier seasons and browse my intellectual insights/semi-rude ramblings (delete as applicable).

Your wish is my command, so here is proof of how much one woman can waffle about Freudian symbols and gratuitous shirtlessness within the space of five years. (Answer: a quite startling amount.)

Merlin Reviews by redscharlach

Season 1 (I started rather late, as you can see)
1x11: The Labyrinth of Gedref
1x12: To Kill the King
1x13: Le Morte d'Arthur

Season 2
2x01: The Curse of Cornelius Sigan
2x02: The Once and Future Queen
2x03: The Nightmare Begins
2x04: Lancelot and Guinevere
2x05: Beauty and the Beast (Part 1) = no review for this one, sorry!
2x06: Beauty and the Beast (Part 2)
2x07: The Witchfinder
2x08: The Sins of the Father
2x09: The Lady of the Lake
2x10: Sweet Dreams
2x11: The Witch's Quickening
2x12: The Fires of Idirsholas
2x13: The Last Dragonlord

Season 3
3x01: The Tears of Uther Pendragon (Part 1)
3x02: The Tears of Uther Pendragon (Part 2)
3x03: Goblin's Gold
3x04: Gwaine
3x05: The Crystal Cave
3x06: The Changeling
3x07: The Castle of Fyrien
3x08: The Eye of the Phoenix
3x09: Love in the Time of Dragons
3x10: Queen of Hearts
3x11: The Sorcerer's Shadow
3x12: The Coming of Arthur (Part 1)
3x13: The Coming of Arthur (Part 2)

Season 4
4x01: The Darkest Hour (Part 1)
4x02: The Darkest Hour (Part 2)
4x03: The Wicked Day
4x04: Aithusa
4x05: His Father's Son
4x06: A Servant of Two Masters
4x07: The Secret Sharer
4x08: Lamia
4x09: Lancelot du Lac
4x10: A Herald of the New Age
4x11: The Hunter's Heart
4x12: The Sword in the Stone (Part 1)
4x13: The Sword in the Stone (Part 2)

Season 5
5x01: Arthur's Bane (Part 1)
5x02: Arthur's Bane (Part 2)
5x03: The Death Song of Uther Pendragon
5x04: Another's Sorrow
5x05: The Disir
5x06: The Dark Tower
5x07: A Lesson in Vengeance
5x08: The Hollow Queen
5x09: With All My Heart
5x10: The Kindness of Strangers
5x11: The Drawing of the Dark
5x12: The Diamond of the Day (Part 1)
5x13: The Diamond of the Day (Part 2)

Icons
Merlin mini-icons, season 1
Merlin mini-icons, season 3 update

I shall also add a link to this post in the sidebar of my LJ so that people can find it easily in the future. Hope someone finds this helpful!

It's not over till it's over, and you throw away the tree

Tue, 25 Dec 2012 00:10:43 GMT

Merry Christmas and greetings from the ancestral homelands of the north, where I am sojourning for the festive period. I hope you're all seasonally stuffed, alcoholically lubricated and otherwise emotionally prepared for the concluding portion of televisual entertainment that the BBC, in their wisdom, have seen fit to supply us with tonight.

So here it is, Merlin Christmas
Poor old Colin's lost his job
Quick, get the Kleenex out
In case we need to sob…

So, accompanied by the traditional interruptions from members of my family, here are my thoughts on the last episode of Merlin EVER, The Diamond of the Day: Part Two. (I apologize for the lack of screencaps: my parents don't have Photoshop so you'll have to make do with the strange pictures in your heads.)

"He didn't have a horse before!" said my mother as Merlin galloped off to the scene of the battle. It took me a few minutes to remember that he and Gwaine DID get to the cave on horses, originally, didn't they? They did the last bit on foot but were riding earlier, is that right?
Anyway, the plain of Camlann is so full of shoving, fighting and screams of agony that I was reminded of doing last-minute Christmas shopping on Oxford Street. Fewer dragons, of course, but just as many nameless casualties.
I was pleased to see Gwen and Gaius auditioning for the potential spin-off series Camelot ER: it's just like modern ER, but with more leeches and stabbing! It was also good to see Gwen had switched to her action!outfit, rather than swanning about in an impractical frock like last week.
But hark! Who's that standing badly superimposed on a hilltop, looking like a mid-70s prog rock album cover against a heavy metal sunset? Why, it's kick-ass Old!Merlin, able to wield bolts of lightning, lay waste to growling Saxon hordes and tell cheap CGI dragons to sod off with a single yell! "Who is that ~~masked~~ mankily-bearded man?" asks Gwen in awe. "He's totally my BFF," says Gaius proudly. Bless.
OMG, it's Arthur's fateful/fatal stab-off with Mordred! Adios Mordy dear: you were wasted for much of the series but you always gave great face, even in your startled death throes. Here's hoping the BBC find you gainful employment elsewhere in future.
OMG, Merlin's carrying Arthur from the battlefield! And then suddenly he's turned young again and has taken Arthur for a bromantic camping trip in the woods, because that's always been a surefire answer to any problem in this show. At this point, I fervently believed that stabbing Arthur early and letting him suffer over the course of the episode would SURELY mean that he survived in the end. I ought to have remembered that conveniently drawn-out deaths with weirdly specific parameters are a) not a sign of Quality Drama and b) rarely end well. Drat.
OMG, it's tearful Magic Reveal time! Now, we knew this was coming at some point due to last week's teaser, but I notice that the sound clip in the teaser was a much calmer, less sob-filled reading of the words than the one that we heard here. Cunning editing people, hiding that nasty surprise up their sleeves.
I'll stop saying OMG now, but suffice to say that the Arthur/Merlin scenes were painful in their helplessness and yet rather lovely in their warmth and faith in friendship. It hurts Arthur to think he doesn't know Merlin as well as he thought, but gradually he realizes that he DOES know Merlin in all the ways that count. Awww. My boys. My embracing, face-pulling, joking-in-the-face-of-disaster boys. I think I'll miss you most of all.
I'll also miss Bradley James's endlessly expressive mug. His WTF expression when Gaius told him that Merlin could be the "greatest sorceror ever to walk the earth" was probably up there in his Top Ten Faces of All Time.
Morgana, meanwhile, I will not miss, but her zombie-Bellatrix-has-a-really-bad-hair-day act was relatively entertaining by her own low standards. "Do you think she's upset?" asked my mother mildly as Morgana squealed at her henchpersons and they awkwardly shuffled their feet and made plans to sign on with a better class of evil recruitment agency in the New Year.
Gwaine's Evil Girlfriend getting her comeuppance was… well, it was a thing that happened. I suppose it gave Gwaine a chance to show he can do "eyes shining with tears of loneliness" as well as the next pretty boy. Always good to show you have range, especially when you'll be needing new employment soon.
My absolutely favourite bit of this episode was Percival unleashing his Big Guns in the most literal sense. Grrrr! His biceps are forces of nature and his face-pulling was utterly hilarious. I couldn't help but wonder if he makes the same expressions at any other occasions in his life. Like, um, when he's doing a Sudoku, maybe. Ahem.
Aww, alas poor Gwaine! At least he gets Percival's biceps to himself in his dying moments. I'm afraid I was too full of Merlin/Arthur bromance feelings to be terribly sad at this point. (And in random other news, my parents' computer has auto-correct switched on and wants to change "bromance" to "bromine", rather amusingly. I don't think that putting bromide in their tea could stop the slashers now…)
"No mortal blade can kill me." says Morgana, finally explaining how she survived Mordred's stab-fest earlier in the season. Unfortunately, however, she forgot to wear her dragon-forged corset today and thus gets thoroughly Excaliburred. Whoops. Fashion mistakes CAN kill, kids.
So, that day, Merlin was amazed to discover that when Arthur said "Thank you", what he meant was "I love you". Treasure this moment, viewers, because this is about as good as this episode's going to get. In fact, why not switch off now and imagine that an anachronistic Sidhe ambulance turned up and cured Arthur's flesh wound, and they all lived happily ever after? Go on, you'll probably have a much merrier Christmas that way.
Oh, so you didn't take the warning and kept watching? Darn, so did I, and thus had to watch Arthur dying in Merlin's arms, and then being shuttled to the edge of Avalon by the Great Dragon, who cuts all hope of a happy ending dead as Merlin stands around awkwardly supporting Arthur's body like a muscular sack of metal-clad spuds. "Take his armour off, he'd be easier to carry!" suggested my mother, but nobody was listening. Drat.
"The story we have been a part of will live long in the lives of men…" says Kilgarrah, who has picked a particularly strange time to stop being the Slash Dragon and start being the Postmodern Self-Referential Dragon. He omits to mention that it will live even longer as a source of fangirl RAGE™, FEELS™ and general heartbreak and annoyance. Come to think of it: maybe that's the part he's been looking forward to the most, scaly shit-stirrer that he is. Last of the Great Dragons, first of the Massive Trolls!
So we've had one of Bradley's greatest faces; now it's time for Colin's greatest tears ever. There aren't enough awws in the world for this moment; shame that my broken heart was shouted down by my sensible brain, which had begun to yell "Is that it? Is this the bloody ending? You can't end it here? You ARE going to end it here?? WHAT???"
"If that's the end, that was crap," said my mother as Queen Gwen womanfully ascended the throne. Gwen, your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to reign over a country where such ridiculous plot developments are never allowed to happen again. Do you think that's something you can do?
And the modern-day epilogue? Daft beyond belief, and yet somehow fitting. And hey, I suppose it's a place to start a gazillion reunion fix-it stories…
A handful of the billion remaining plotholes: Why didn't Merlin call a Dragoncab earlier in the story? And when he finally did, why didn't the Dragon drop them off on the island? (I didn't hear Kilgarrah muttering "I'm not going south of the lake on Christmas Eve, mate" in mid-flight, did you?) What crazy adventures were had by Queen Gwen and her Slightly Diminished But Nonetheless Still Quite Muscular Knights of the Round Table? Did Merlin ever go back to Camelot, or did he just spend 900 years walking round and round that lake, waiting for something to happen? Perhaps we'll never know.
Regular readers may know that I've been Ms Optimism this series, fervently clinging to the hope that everything would turn out happily even when the melodramatic skies were darkest and the pessimists were grumbling loudly in the wings. And was I correct? No, I bloody wasn't. Darn. Oh well, you televisually win some, you televisually lose some. Merlin-the-show is over, and I shall mourn its passing, and remember only the ~~dramatic brilliance~~ ATTRACTIVE AND GRATUITOUSLY SHIRTLESS MEN. Yes. Now THAT is a legacy to be proud of.
Goodbye, Merlin-the-show. You were never great drama, but you entertained me far more than I could ever have imagined five years ago. I'll miss you and I'll miss writing these reviews. Sniffle.
And to YOU, faithful readers, I must say thanks for reading and commenting and lurking and impatiently reloading and everything else that you've done! Somehow I managed to keep churning out the bad jokes, convoluted sentences and shameless double entendres, and your nice words and encouragement played a MASSIVE part in that. I hope I'll find other things to blog about in future, and that you'll be entertained by some of them. Avanti!

Yours sincerely and bedecked with a crown of anachronistic vegetables,
Your Once and Future Reviewer
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Hunt you to the ground they will, mannequins with kill appeal

Sun, 23 Dec 2012 04:02:46 GMT

Gentle viewers, welcome to your penultimate dose of Merlinery. Complimentary Kleenex is provided, stress balls can be located under your seat, and the cabin crew will shortly be making their rounds with a trolley full of strong liquor and anachronistic vegetables.

So without further ado, here are my thoughts on The Diamond of the Day: Part One:

"I'm not an entertainer, my lady." - Gosh, it's a tough life being a shaven-headed tough-guy sorceror, isn't it? There you are, expecting a nice guest spot full of scowling and yelling and general henchperson duties, when suddenly Morgana demands that you... turn some lights off? How pathetic: that's almost the equivalent of pulling a bunny out of a hat. However, Morgana's also got her own special animal surprise to pull out and it's most definitely NOT a bunny. Nope, it's a big pervy face-hugging magic-sucking slug creature! Before you know it, you're writhing awkwardly on the floor in a sea of unexpected impotence symbolism. Ouch. No wonder Mordred starts giving Morgana some major side-eye and almost seems to be crossing his legs in magical sympathy...
Meanwhile, in the local tavern, Merlin and Arthur are having a delightfully homoerotic night out, complete with dollops of Dramatic Irony ("I knew you'd discover my secret, my lord."). Accompanying them is Percival, a homoerotic knight who's ALWAYS out, or at least his biceps are. The most significant element of this scene, however, is the canonical confirmation that Merlin has MAGIC BLOWING POWERS. This comes as a surprise to precisely nobody.
When Merlin finally stumbles home from the tavern, it turns out that one of Morgana's little helpers (a.k.a. the Irrational Elf Service) has left a nasty present under Merlin's bed. This leads to a brief but hilarious scene in which Merlin flails around on his bed while a thing that resembles a massive slimy tongue tries to shove itself down his throat. Fortunately Gaius is there to stab it, proving that where ridiculous Freudian symbols are concerned, long and hard beats short and squidgy hands down.
Oh no, Merlin wakes up to find his magical mojo is gone! Gaius immediately looks up "Big Pervy-Looking Slugs" in his Book of Suggestive Ailments and discovers that the creature has devoured Merlin's magic like a tasty midnight snack. (Minor quibble here: WHY were all such creatures "destroyed during the Great Purge"? If they ate magic, surely it would have been sensible to keep them around, if you were anti-magic?) Anyway, this leaves the poor magic-less lad with nothing to do but tearfully wander the corridors of Camelot, loafing in front of that eagle wall-hanging so he looks like a particularly forlorn fairy prince.
Seems like Morgana loves having Mordred around – who wouldn't want a handsome magical chum who looks good in black? To prove they're getting on like a garrison on fire, they even engage in a bit of synchronized fireball-tossing together. I look forward to seeing them on the next series of Albion's Got Talent, just as soon as the showrunners have worked out a way of flameproofing the audience.
As everyone's running around squealing, Gwaine somehow manages to pull in the height of battle, althought the most surprising thing about it is that it's with a woman. As well as scoring his personalized damsel-groping services, Eira the Obviously Traitorous Blonde also manages to get Merlin to fondle her inner thigh. Altogether this demonstrates MUCH better use of evil than Morgana has ever managed, so fair play to her.
Hmm, what should Morgana get as a Christmas present for her new boy toy Mordred? Why, what every brooding anti-hero wants: a dragon-forged sword of his very own. Now, what would be a good name for a sword with no danger of copyright infringement? Excaliburtoo? Excaliburp? Excalifornicator? Excalifragilisticexpialidocious? Answers on a postcard, please, or failing that, just tie them to the leg of a passing raven.
Too late, it occurs to Merlin that he should have looked up the location of Camlann earlier, and possibly written "GIANT GENITAL-EATING SPIDERS LIVE HERE – STAY AWAY!!" across it on every map he could find. Drat. In happier geographical news, he decides that the solution to his own woes lies in the Crystal Cave, where he's been before. Admittedly, there may be a few stabby bandits along the way, but that's a great excuse to bring along...
...Gwaine! Aww, I really miss those days when Gwaine and Merlin were BFFs and went on bromantic quests at the drops of a hat, so I was delighted to see those days revived. Gwaine himself is so happy that he celebrates by introducing his new ladyfriend to his nipples. Little does he know that she's about to scurry off to the woods and tell Morgana everything she knows, although at least she draws a veil of discretion over whether Gwaine's bedroom skills are as lacklustre as his spy-spotting abilities.
Oh dear, Arthur is worried by Merlin's sudden organizational talents, not to mention his reluctance to go on a big boys' end-of-season outing. And Merlin gets tearful AGAIN when Arthur thinks he's running away. What could save this sad situation? How about a spot of seasonal animal impersonation?

Arthur is unimpressed by Merlin's Rudolph impression, despite the length of his antlers.
As the little-known knight Sir Sigmund of Freudia could have told you, the most obvious solution to symbolic impotence is a symbolic vagina, so Merlin and Gwaine head straight for the cave, pausing only to stab a few bandits. If you squint, you can even imagine that Merlin's tempted to tell Gwaine his secret (they used to be close, remember?) but of course he doesn't. There's just time for a spot of scenic gazing at each other and then it's bye-bye bromance. Destiny awaits...
Earlier in this episode, Morgana dared to use the line "If I wanted him dead, I'd have put a sword in his gut." However, does she do this to Merlin? No, she bloody doesn't. Instead, she tries out a variation on that ever-popular option for inept villains, Polystyrene Rocks Fall, Nobody Dies, But Merlin Gets A Bit Grubby, Although That's Not Likely To Stop Him From Escaping, Is It. What a silly witch she is.
Hooray, it's the return of that popular money-saving battle tactic, the Tiny CGI Army of Cheapness! They're so far away that they might as well be hamsters carrying Christmas lights. In fact, I'm rather disappointed that they aren't, because that would make for an excellent battle. (Well, I say "battle". I mean "YouTube video".)
Gaius tries to talk Arthur out his suspicions about Merlin's whereabouts. Gwen, however, he confesses that Merlin's doing Important Plot Stuff, and she sensibly accepts this. Then Arthur and the Lovely Knights trot off to stare meaningfully at the BBC Quarry of Destiny, that time-honoured place to meet your potential prime-time doom. (Catering not provided; please bring a packed lunch.)
After wrestling with his own man-pain as only he can (i.e. manfully yet painfully), Merlin manages to find the bit of cave that's full of sparkly crystal ornaments (eco-friendly, fully rechargeable, buy early for Saturnalia!). And who should he find there but his daddy Balinor, last seen shuffling off this mortal coil several seasons ago. Like Uther earlier this series, he seems to have turned rather blue and glowy in the afterlife. Like me, however, he is strangely optimistic about the outcome of this series and encourages Merlin to pull himself together with a rousing speech about magic and finding yourself and believing, which sounds frighteningly like the cue for a song but fortunately isn't one.
Elsewhere, in a big tent, Gwen is giving Arthur a similar confidence-boosting speech. This isn't the cue for a song either, but it IS the cue for a spot of marital hanky-panky. I suppose that if everyone dies next week, they can take comfort from the fact that many of them managed to get some before biting the anachronistic bullet.
Hooray, Merlin's mojo is back, back, BACK! He celebrates by making a little fluttery butterfly. Aww. Then he decides to watch highlights from the rest of the episode on a BBC iPlayer crystal to see what he's missed. Cunningly, he discovers that Morgana's planning to sneak round the back way, but how can he relay this important plot point to Arthur in the most homoerotic manner possible? Easy: he uses CrystalMaps (TM) to locate Arthur and Gwen in bed (thank the druids that they're not in flagrante at the time) then PENETRATES ARTHUR'S DREAMS. And what is the outcome of this? Yes, Arthur wakes up MUTTERING MERLIN'S NAME.

Awkward, yet not really a surprise to anyone.

Lest we forget, Merlin groaned Arthur's name in his sleep way back in series 1 so it's about time there was some reciprocation. Charming as this moment was, however, I was slightly distracted by the fact that Arthur's army had apparently carried a massive wooden bed to the battlefield with them. Umm. (I have a mental image of a galloping horde of elegantly armoured knights, followed by one VERY overloaded donkey...)
Okay people, it's action time, so ominous choirs at the ready! It's time for an uplifting speech from Arthur about "the war on tyranny" and "the future of the united kingdoms" (hmm, bit of politics there!), a meaningful goodbye from Merlin's dad, and then it's all hands to battle stations and crank up the slow-mo cameras! Morgana, meanwhile, hangs around the sidelines looking smug and admiring how hot Mordred looks with a sword, even if his battle frown makes him look more like a slightly disgruntled kitten.
But hark! Who's this storming hairily through the woods? Yes, it's ~~Santa Claus~~ Emrys, and he's staring right through the Fourth Wall!

He sees you when you're sleeping
He speaks inside your head
He gives you handy plot-hints
So you shoot straight up in bed...
In conclusion: Woah. After some patchy outings of late, I'm so relieved that the show has managed to find a stash of the good stuff and start pulling it out in the nick of time. Everyone was given something to do, playful moments were scattered amid the serious stuff, the Arthur/Merlin relationship was returned to centre stage at last, Colin Morgan succeeded in displaying fifteen sad facial expressions that were all slightly different from the ones he's shown us before, and all in all, I'm DESPERATE to know what happens next. Only two days to wait until we find out. TWO DAYS. Eeep!
Next time: The grand finale! Arthur stares! Gwen reigns! Morgana looks frazzled! Old!Merlin glowers scenically as a wind machine whips his hair! And there's a shocking announcement: "I'm a sorceror. I have magic." (Dear BBC: this had better NOT be Merlin confessing his secret to Arthur just as Arthur is dying. IT HAD BETTER NOT BE or I WILL CRY.) Can you stand the suspense? I'm not sure I can. Thank goodness it's the season in which drinking heavily is considered socially acceptable.

Merlin returns on TUESDAY, which is of course Christmas Eve. I shall be visiting the ancestral homelands of the north, but if all goes well, I should be able to pop in and share a few ponderings...

Keep calm and Cary Grant

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 09:14:19 GMT

So what's your favourite Christmassy film?

Unlike many of those favourites lists or Top Ten-type questions that do the rounds at this time of year, I can give you my answer to this one straight away. It's The Bishop's Wife (1947).

I like to think of The Bishop's Wife as a minor seasonal miracle. It contains many traditional Christmassy things – Snow! Hats! Ice skating! Trusty servants! Mean old folk having seasonal changes of heart! Unresolved sexual tension! – yet somehow it manages to stay on the happy side of heartwarming without tipping over the safety barrier into a pit of schmaltziness. Most importantly, I first saw it when I was little, so a deep part of my brain associates it with cosy evenings on the sofa and warm bedtime drinks.

Basically, the plot is as follows. David Niven plays a bishop who wants to build a new cathedral. He prays for help, and an angel arrives in the form of Cary Grant. The angel knows, however, that the bishop's problems are nothing to do with cathedral-building and are all about learning to appreciate the good things in his life. He also turns his attentions to brightening up the life of the bishop's wife, played by Loretta Young. However, she's so sweet and lovely that the angel begins to fall for her too...

Sounds good? Well, here's a potted introduction to this merrily magnificent movie. (Be warned: this post does contain a few 65-year-old spoilers, but I don't think they'll seriously affect your enjoyment of the film if you want to get the DVD or hunt it down on Netflix. It's not exactly full of startling narrative twists.)

Contrary to popular belief, unsubtle symbolism was not invented by Russell T. Davies.

This is Cary Grant, who plays an angel called Dudley. He's suave, handsome and has a heaven-sent ability to charm the pants off absolutely anyone. (Not literally, I hasten to add. It IS 1947, after all.)

This man is having an ecumenical crisis in his own house.

This is David Niven as the titular bishop, Henry Brougham. He prides himself on leading "a well-ordered life", but other people call him "confused, indecisive and totally ineffectual", and his idea of complimenting his wife is to tell her that she brushes her hair very capably. (Romance: you're doing it wrong.) When Dudley the angel turns up and says "Hello, I've come to help you sort your life out", his reaction is disgruntlement, accompanied by some fabulously flexible facial expressions. When the same angel proceeds to flirt with his wife, charm his housemaid and even hog the attentions of the family dog, he gets so peeved that I always fear his eyebrows may pop off.

An inexpensive hat can always be improved by a flattering sprinkling of fake snow.

This is Loretta Young as Julia, the titular bishop's wife. She is glowy yet sensible and glides around the place in a haze of soft-focus serenity (mind you, so would I if Cary Grant were constantly telling me how wonderful I am). She has no idea that Dudley is an angel, and thinks he's a new assistant who's been hired to help her husband with his ever-so-slightly Freudian cathedral-building obsession ("This cathedral must rise!").

Cary Grant demonstrates his supernatural filing skills.

Of course, Dudley hasn't come all the way down from heaven for admin purposes alone, but he's quite good around the office nevertheless. No, he's come to give the Bishop a more general sort of lifestyle guidance, and he elects to do this primarily by flirting massively with the bishop's wife (hence the title) and cosying up to all his friends in a more platonic way.

And she a married woman!

Being a girlie, I find the period version of sexual tension between Dudley and Julia very appealing. There are lot of longing glances from him and a lot of aren't-you-sweet semi-oblivious denial from her. At one point, they even hold hands in a public place, which causes a veritable uproar.

A veritable uproar.

See? The middle classes are positively outraged. But of course, Dudley turns his twinkle on them and soon they are completely won over, as are all the other supporting characters who come into his orbit. One of my favourites is Elsa "Bride of Frankenstein" Lanchester as Matilda the bishop's housemaid, who goes into fangirl swoonage mode every time Cary Grant so much as glances at her. (Again, this is entirely understandable behaviour.)

The Professor finds it hard to believe that anyone as suave as Cary Grant would do a "pull my finger" joke.

My other favourite is Monty Woolley as Professor Wutheridge, a jolly atheist chappie who's suffering from twenty years of writer's block. Dudley turns the magic finger of inspiration on him AND gives him a magically refilling sherry bottle, which has got to be one of the best divine gifts EVER. I mean, if you knew God wanted you to have an endless supply of decent booze, you'd be much more likely to believe in him, wouldn't you?

The Bishop has noticed that Dudley's nicked his scarf. He's not just checking him out. Honest.

If you're inclined to look for it, you can even find a tiny bit of Dudley/Bishop slashiness in there. After all, they're competing over the same woman, which is basically a fast track to homoeroticism whichever way you splice it, PLUS they do a lot of squishing through doorways at the same time. That said, this was an era where two characters can have a chat that runs: "What's that you're humming? It's rather gay." / "Well, I feel gay!" and nobody bats an eyelid.

(If you want a Cary Grant film with more slashiness, however, My Favorite Wife is a goodie. See here for more details.)

Genuine happiness, not-so-genuine athletic prowess.

My favourite sequence in the movie, and the one I remember best from when I was little, is when Dudley the angel takes Julia the bishop's wife for a jolly skating trip, while a comedy taxi-driver called Sylvester tags along. Even given the massively unsubtle use of stunt doubles, it's somehow totally charming. And when Julia says "I feel as if I were doing something wicked", you may well wonder whether ice-skating is for angels what dancing is for Time Lords...

Dudley's heavenly skills include playing the harp with someone else's hands.

Speaking of Doctor Who, there's even a moment where Dudley laments in a rather Gallifreyan fashion: "I'm tired of being a wanderer. I'm tired of an existence where one is neither hot nor cold, hungry nor full." There's also a bittersweet ending: the bishop learns to appreciate what he's got, but Dudley must return to heaven and can never return, because his "superior officers" never send him to the same place twice: "We might form attachments." Awww.

The only real disappointment is that the film ends with a big old reset button: everyone forgets Dudley's visit and nothing remains but an angel dolly for the bishop's daughter and "the most inexplicable feeling of happiness". I've watched this film umpteen times and this bit disappoints me every time. Nonetheless, I suppose it's quite appropriate that there's no yelling or squealing or passionate declarations. Everyone's simply left with a vague sense that most things are okay. And at Christmas, that's probably about as good as it gets, wouldn't you say?

P.S. There's also a 1990s remake called The Preacher's Wife, starring Denzil Washington as Cary Grant and Whitney Houston as the titular wife, but I haven't seen it. Why mess with quasi-perfection?

Draw me, like one of your druid girls

Sun, 16 Dec 2012 20:15:23 GMT

Dear regular and not-so-regular viewers, I must apologize about the relative lateness of this Merlin review. My excuse is that I was in the pub last night instead of being in front of the telly as usual. It seems the demands of the festive season do not always coincide well with the demands of the oncoming end of the season, alas.

Anyhow, here are my thoughts about The Drawing of the Dark:

"We all caught something." / "Including Merlin." - Um, boys? What WERE you doing on your "hunting" trip? Did the reference to Percival's "palsy" last week make you all desperate to catch a social disease of your own? Anyway, this is all an excuse to include Invisible Saxons (the cheapest way to wage war on TV!) and let Mordred find an unexpected love interest stumbling around in the woods.
"He's beguiled you, he's beguiled you all..."- oh no, Merlin. Don't start to gloat. Gloating leads to turnabouts of fate and tragic attacks of dramatic irony, as well you should know! But wise as ever, Gaius knows what all this is REALLY about: "He's fond of the king. The feeling's mutual." Yeah, it's all jealousy over the position of Arthur's favourite closeted sorceror. Meanwhile, Mordred's sneaking into Gaius's medicine cupboard to score drugs for his ex. He's also able to send her messages via WiFi (Wicca Filter), a special package available only to the magical for a great-value monthly goat sacrifice.
Gwen's sole contribution this week is to tell Arthur that having something to fight for is the most powerful weapon of all. Spoken like someone who hasn't discovered the joy of anachronistic nuclear warheads, I think.
"It isn't deep..." - Is Kara talking about her wound or her relationship with Mordred? He seems to be putting his heart into the hugging and forehead-fondling, she not so much. Or maybe she's just not a very good actress. Whatever the reason, Mordred is beset by that age-old relationship dilemma: what to do when your druidfriend doesn't like your mates. Always a tricky one.
Ooh, it's Merlin vs Mordred, Round 1: Homoerotic Veiled Whispers and Stares Edition! Mordred begs and bats his eyelashes; Merlin promises his secret is safe. But I don't think this is the sort of promise that outlasts Bad Things Happening To Merlin's Boyfriend, do you?
"I'm like a swan..." - Why is that, Merlin? Do you copulate mainly on water? Are you fairly often gay? Or do you simply have a very bendy neck?

Genuine subtitles from the BBC. When they can come up with stuff like this all by themselves, you hardly need me to tell you when to snigger...
Despite Merlin's staunch efforts to keep his word to Mordred, Arthur is so intent on showing off his knowledge of broken twigs that he finds Mordred's ex by accident. I shall refrain from commenting on the Freudian interpretations of creeping into a damp cave and almost getting stabbed by a chick with a phallic symbol: fortunately Merlin manages to whip the symbolism away before it becomes fatal.
It's Merlin vs Mordred, Round 2: This Time It's Physical! "You did this because you hate me!", yells Mordred, storming off to his bedroom to listen to Panic! At The Druid Grove or My Alchemical Romaunce or whatever the cod-medieval kids of today sing along to when they're feeling misunderstood.
Oh great, Kara's doing a dull "I'm a freedom fighter, not a terrorist, yadda di yadda" speech. Surprisingly, Arthur's not only quite relaxed about the magic (but less so about the stabbing) but launches into an audition for a forthcoming TV show about a quirky lawyer who resolves cases using only his acute observation skills and his massive horde of armour-clad minions. Despite this unusual display of paying attention, however, Arthur totally fails for notice the epic yet soulful Merlin/Mordred stare-off that's happening just over his shoulder. Some things never change.
It's down to the Camelot dungeon for Kara. "Never mind, darling," says Mordred, as the cheesy romantic music swells in the background. "I'll pay a visit to my BFF Arthur, he won't be able to resist me when I'm down on his bedroom floor with tears in my eyes." Like a cod-medieval Simon Cowell, Arthur is VERY impressed with Mordred's performance and thinks he's given 110%, but doesn't react well to begging so Kara's still going through to the afterlife. Merlin, meanwhile, glowers enviously in the background, peeved not only because he was just getting to the interesting part of undressing Arthur when they were interrupted, but because Mordred is so gosh-darn pretty when he cries.
"Never mind, darling," says Mordred, as Kara gets banged up in a cell once again. "These dungeons won Easiest To Escape From AND Most Oblivious Guards for five years running at the Jailbreaker Monthly Awards." Nonetheless, there's a dauntingly big erection going up in the Camelot courtyard and it's definitely not an anachronistic Christmas tree...
"Tell me you wouldn't do the same for the woman you love." / "Don't be foolish." - For heaven's sake, Mordred, are you the only one who hasn't realized that Merlin's not a ladies' man?
Taking on the Counsellor Troi role of pointing out the bleeding obvious, Gaius complains that Merlin's always busting people out of jail, so why is it such a problem when Mordred does it? But Merlin, of course, is wrestling with love and destiny as well as personal ethics. When it comes to the crunch, "save my boyfriend" must always win out over "save other random people". Aww. With this in mind, Merlin turns informer to Arthur, but Mordred's already made a break for it. It probably serves Arthur right for employing the elitest knights in all of Albion but outsourcing his dungeon security to the cod-medieval equivalent of G4S.
For a moment, I thought Mordred might be rethinking his relationship with Kara when she got gleefully stabby with that guard. Next she starts yelling at Mordred over the druid WiFi to use his bloody magic, but just as he's about to out himself for once and for all, he's saved by a bop on the head from Sir Percival, Camelot's own answer to Little Bunny Foo Foo.
Oh look, we're back in the bloody dungeon again. This time, Mordred and Kara get his-n-hers cells so they can spend all night holding hands and hoping that the Celticky background music doesn't suddenly erupt into a Celine Dion ballad. Now THAT would be a tragedy.
"There are some paths woven so deep into the fabric of the world, Merlin, that nothing can be done to change them." - Gaius is dead right; despite everyone's best efforts, there is no way that this one is going to work out well. Merlin desperately hunts for a destiny escape clause, Arthur even tries being relatively nice, Kara won't give in, Merlin and Arthur exchange heartfelt "Do something!" / "I'm really trying here!" looks (I loved this bit), Kara takes a long jump off a short rope and Mordred cries so prettily that he rattles his cage and blows the bloody doors off. Fate wants its big finale and it's utterly determined to get it. Ouch.
"I've made a terrible mistake, haven't I?" - Oh, Arthur. Oh, Merlin. Oh, everybody.
So Mordred goes skipping off vengefully to Morgana's house, where she's sitting sullenly on her uncomfy throne, apparently waiting for someone to invent plasma-screen TV or cordless hair-straighteners. "I know who Emrys is," he announces. "It's Merlin!" DUH-DUH DAAAAH! Weirdly, Morgana's reaction is a sharp intake of breath and a slight eyebrow raise, which is quite subtle for her. She doesn't say "What???" or "Why did none of us notice?" or "YOU MEAN I ONCE HAD HIM TIED UP KINKILY IN MY HOVEL AND I LET HIM GO? BLOODY HELL, I'M AN IDIOT." I'm hoping that Arthur's reaction, when he finds out, will be a lot more expressive...
In conclusion: When I saw the trailer last week, I thought "So Mordred's going to turn suddenly evil over a girl, is he? Meh." but the results were better than I'd feared. Because it was someone he'd known previously, the relationship served adequately as a symbol of Mordred's druid past, even if it didn't work as a romance. Kara was underwritten and underacted, but Mordred rose admirably to the challenge of Weeping With Intent To Damage My Heart, a sport in which Colin Morgan has been the uncontested title holder for a very long time. And there was a great sense of everyone tugging hopelessly against the exorable bonds of destiny. More shallowly, any reason to dwell on Arthur sighing in his Linen Shirt of Angst (now with Ultimate Man Cleavage!) is much appreciated. I must confess, despite all the plot ground that must be covered in the final two-parter, the thing that worries me most is that everyone might be too busy to get shirtless. Scary thought, huh? Come on, show. I know you can do it. And I've been such a good girl this year, I deserve presents...
Next week: Merlin gets grimy! Things get explodey! People charge towards each other shouting "ARGGHHH"! And the Slow-Mo Camera of Dramatic Swordplay comes out of its box once again! I can hardly wait, viewers. Can you?

It's noble and it's brutal, it distorts and deranges

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 03:47:17 GMT

Only 3 more episodes of Merlin to left after this one, viewers. But before I go and sit under my duvet and make wibbling noises, here are some thoughts on The Kindness of Strangers. And since we all know that foreshadowing is your clue to quality drama, I shall be pointing out Ominous Signs of Doom along the way:

Oh look, Morgana's found herself yet another bunch of henchblokes from Rent-A-Mob, or possibly UninformedGrunting.com. This week, they're chasing a guest star from last series, Alator of the Catha, better known as the bald Scottish guy who tortured Gaius then unexpectedly turned out to be an Emrys fanboy. His mission this week is to tell Morgana where Emrys is. If he refuses, she's going to make loads of tedious speeches in an attempt to bore him into submission. And he thought he knew the horrors of torture.
Meanwhile, Arthur's celebrating the fact that his wife's not trying to murder him any more by taking her out on a traditional romantic date... with Merlin, obviously. Sadly Arthur doesn't have any shirtless scenes this week but the shirt he IS wearing is pretty much transparent and displays a generous quantity of cleavage that's clearly meant to compensate for the overexposure of Gwen's heaving bosoms of evil in recent weeks. Merlin also notes Ominous Sign of Doom 1: Arthur's really happy. I'm guessing that won't last...
"I think my dog can catch better than you." - Um, Arthur? You don't HAVE a dog. Not unless it's an invisible dog, anyway. That cute thing with the big ears and puppy eyes that fetches things on your command? That's not a dog, that's Merlin.
Merlin finds a burnt tree and a dropped trinket, and correctly identifies them as important plot points for the week. Meanwhile, Camelot's full of people sitting on the ground and moaning. No, it's not a protest against austerity cuts OR a really cheap rock festival. Luckily Sir Leon is on hand to explain that it's all that nasty Morgana's fault, using his stunning powers of exposition. What would we do without him? We'd just have to make up our own ridiculous back stories for everything. (Come to think of it, I do that anyway.)
"It's not your body I'm interested in." - Good news for Alator: Morgana's torture techniques don't entirely revolve around acting at him. Bad news for Alator: she's using a crappy CGI snake in a box AGAIN. Why is Morgana so obsessed with little snakey creatures? I mean, I'm not knocking her love of animals, but when it comes to getting the job done, surely the threat of a massive mallet to the crotch area would be SO much more effective?
Questions I thought this season was never going to answer: does Merlin still wander into Arthur's room at all hours, now that he sleeps with Gwen? It seems that the answer is yes, but that Arthur has now had a Curtain of Discretion installed halfway across the room, so the fruit bowls can be refilled without disturbing any royal hanky-panky. This week, however, Merlin rips it open without so much as yelling "CEASE ANY HETEROSEXUAL BEHAVIOUR NOW, THERE'S A SERVANT IN THE ~~CLOSET~~ ROOM!" so I fear that some sort of extra warning signal is needed. Maybe they should go with the Eleventh Doctor's idea and put up a balloon?
When Arthur sent Merlin out to fetch some flowers, I half-expected him to pop down to the nearest anachronistic all-night garage. Instead, he heads for the Usual Woods and meets a mysterious tattooed lady who wants to see him later that night for some hot druidic chat. This wouldn't usually be Merlin's thing, but she mentions that Arthur could be danger and suddenly he's hot to trot, despite Gaius's well-intentioned but inaccurate warnings.
If you were wondering what the knights get up to when nobody's around, the answer is that they play Touch Gwaine's Helmet. The first rule of Touch Gwaine's Helmet is: you don't talk about Touch Gwaine's Helmet. The second rule of Touch Gwaine's Helmet is: you just touch Gwaine's helmet. Well, unless you're Gwaine, that is. (You know, I'm sure I've read a fanfic like this somewhere. Although on second thoughts, I don't think that was about a helmet...)
Oh dear, it's Ominous Sign of Doom 2: Gaius apologizes for his mistrust of Merlin and they share a Meaningful Hug. I think that this Ominous Sign made me sadder than all the other Ominous Signs, because it made me worried that Bad Things might happen to Gaius. And I don't want that to happen, because Gaius is lovely. Aww.
Meanwhile, it turns out that Finna and Alator are friends on Ravenbook. But tragically he forgets to delete (or just eat) his personal messages, and thus becomes the unfortunate recipient of Ominous Sign of Doom 3: Morgana's startlingly effective new spell: Makus Peepul DED. Ooops.
Finna's still wandering the forest, engaging in low-level tree vandalism in the hope that it'll speed up this slow stretch of plot. Merlin's in hot pursuit until...ouch! What's that sudden poke from the rear? No worries, it's just Percival and his Lovely Knight chums, out hunting for evil sorcery folk.

Merlin's known for ages that Percival's got a long one, but somehow it always comes as a surprise.
So the Lovely Knights are all "Why??" and Merlin's all "Herbs!" and they're all "No, but why?" and Merlin's all "Hey guys, did you know Percival had an STD?" and oddly enough, this distracts everyone's attention for a while. Nonetheless, it's rather ironic to see Merlin desperately hunting for a reason to run off and meet a woman, instead of hanging out with the lads at the height of rutting season. When he does sneak off to "relieve himself" with his boots on, the even sneakier Mordred catches him. Hmm. Is Mordred good or evil now? Even the background music can't decide.
As well as her non-speaking minions, Morgana's blown the rest of her henchbudget for the week on a hench-fund manager with a speaking part, who tells her that the hounds have found Finna's trail. Sadly, the budget couldn't stretch to ACTUAL hounds, because there are none to be seen, only a few howling noises in the background. Either that's her henchblokes doing doggie impressions OR she's got invisible dogs, just like Arthur!
The alliterative good news is that Merlin finally finds Finna. The alliterative bad news is that Morgana's men manage to maim Merlin with a marrow. Sorry, I mean, an ARROW. My alliteration got the better of me there. Anyway, poor little Merlin! When he imagined getting a good length of wood in him before the end of the series, this wasn't what he had in mind.
Merlin and Finna drag themselves up a phallic tower for a big finale and Ominous Sign of Doom 4: Finna hands over a magic Plot Box (TM) to help Merlin "in the dark days to come" AND gives him a very specific bit of advice "DO NOT TRUST THE DRUID BOY." Merlin mentally crosses Mordred off his Saturnalia card list and swears never to flirt with him again, even if he bats his eyelashes really seductively. Then Finna grabs a sword and nobly sacrifices herself, aww. Shame really; she was an admirably hardy old bird and I was ready to set her up on a date with Gaius.
Up on the roof, Merlin manages to squeak out a message to the Slash Dragon emergency services and gets rescued. I notice they don't bother to show the part where Dragon flies around for ages looking for an all-night apothecary, so it cuts to the next day when Merlin's fine and doesn't have a big hole in him anymore. The Dragon, however, is less than fine. Oh no, it's Ominous Sign of Doom 5! I foresee a Twagic Dwagon Death in the near future! Mind you, the Dragon doesn't particularly bothered: "It is the cycle of life, no more, no less." Now that sounds like the cue for a song. "It's the Cycle of Liiiiife! And it spins us aaaaaaallll!" (Please don't sue us, Sir Elton. We've spent all our remaining cash on wonky CGI wings and invisible dogs.)
And now, over to the Camelot edition of Deal Or No Deal. Shall we open the magic plot box, Gaius? Well, with only three episodes to go, there's no sense in hanging around, is there. Sure enough, the box contains a Useful Prophetic Note, and here are its mystic mutterings in full, annotated with my own interpretative attempts:

Let loose the hounds of war (please don't sue us, Shakespeare!)
Let the dread fire of the last priestess (= Morgana, obviously)
rain down from angry skies (someone's been looking at heavy metal album covers again)
For brother will slaughter brother (Mordred isn't Merlin's brother now, is he? Or do they mean figurative brothers?)
For friend will murder friend (well, someone will have to kill Mordred, and technically both Arthur and Merlin are his friends...)
as the great horn (HORN, geddit? Sounds a bit RUDE. Sounds a bit like... HORNY!)
sounds a cold dawn at Camlann (the traditional place of Arthur's death in legend. Woe!)
The prophets do not lie (although they often speak in handwavingly vague waffle that could mean anything...)
There Arthur will meet his end upon that mighty plain.

Well, we could creatively interpret "his end" as "his bottom" so Arthur might not die, he might just learn to bend ALL the way backwards... yeah, I know I am clutching at straws here. But Gaius also says "You will not fail", and little bits of mystic paper may lie and cheat, but Gaius is a right-on dude and knows what he's talking about. So I'm going to predict that... Arthur Won't Actually Die! There, I said it. You can all point at me and laugh in two weeks' time if I end up being wrong and sobbing into my gin and tonic...
Morgana declares war on Camelot by showing off a nasty face-melting spell. Urgh. Is this her way of saying "I don't care HOW pretty you all are, you won't be pretty when I've finished with you"?
Overall: Well, it kept my interest the first time around because I couldn't really guess where any of it was going, although on a rewatch it felt rather slow. Not a lot happened apart from a change of mood, but since the change of mood means that everything is now grim and overshadowed by Death and anyone/everyone could DIE HORRIBLY, it actually left me worried for everyone's fate, which I suppose means that it must have worked rather well. Gosh. Who'd have thought it?
Next week: Mordred gets a strop on, which we were all expecting at this point. But it seems to be over a GIRL, which frankly... well, nobody's going to believe THAT, are they??