I must admit that this did not fill me with eagerness to go and see the thing, but it did spur me to unearth this piece of half-forgotten whimsy that I first scribbled back in March 2002. It won't make any sense if you haven't seen the film in question, but hey, neither did the film! At least, not until I came up with this brilliant theory, hem hem....
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What Mulholland Drive is all about (honest)
It's an allegory about the life of Princess Diana, isn't it?
Diane Selwyn is obviously a thinly veiled representation of Diana Spencer. She lives in a highly developed fantasy world in which she is "Betty" (= Elizabeth = the Queen = Queen of People's Hearts). As "Betty", she wears a sparkly cardigan and everyone loves her. She is constantly cheerful and goes out of her way to help the needy ("Rita"). She is particularly keen on getting the needy to dress up nicely so that they can be seen out in public with her. Also note that she doesn't even start to fancy "Rita" until she puts on a blonde wig (representing Diana's utter narcissism).
The film director represents Prince Charles. In Diana's fantasy, he is a bit geeky but nonetheless is a good-hearted bloke who would seal her stardom forever, if only he were not always being prevented from doing so by forces beyond his control (the Mafia guys represent his hormones, and the dwarf in the darkened room is the British constitution). Meanwhile, back in the "real" world, he flaunts his relationship with Camilla and causes Diana untold public humiliation.
Camilla Rhodes represents all the forces that will cause Diana's demise: i.e. "Camilla" and "roads" (on which cars may crash. Hence the car crash). Because of her, Diana's wonderful life turns out to be nothing but the masturbatory fantasy of a sad and skinny blonde, who is forced to wear the same dress more than once (represented by the shabby old dressing gown), never gets decent service at San Lorenzo's (Winkie's cafe), and is forever pursued by a manically smiling old couple (= Liz and Phil) until her gruesome end.
The hitman represents the paparazzi. Diana pays heavily to get him on her side but in the end he causes the needless suffering of innocents and walks away. The scene in Club Silencio represents Diana's funeral, with some over-made-up tart (Elton John) rehashing an old song which moves the audience to gales of unwarranted sobbing.
The blue box represents the Royal family (= blue blood). Even though they think they have the key, both Camilla and Diana can never truly gain access - instead they will be swallowed up. The blue-rinsed drag queen in the club, that's the Queen Mum. All she wants is a bit of peace and quiet.
The shambling old corpse hiding behind the bins is Princess Margaret.
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Strange the things that one keeps lying around on one's hard drive, isn't it. What's hiding in the dark places of your disk space: neglected gems or mouldy cake crumbs? Or a strange and crunchy mixture of the two?