Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach

Movie Mash-ups

Am I just getting old, or are films these days really uninspiring? I can't remember the last time I actually went to the cinema and left thinking "Wow, that was great!" It's much more likely to be "Well, that was tolerable," or "Hell, that was long." So I fell to wondering whether these disappointing cinematic offerings could be improved by hacking them to bits and reassembling them to create something a bit more original.

*cue Pearl and Dean fanfare*

Coming Soon to a Screen Near You:
TMNT300 -- A stunning and historically accurate(*) account of how the Persian army had a load of psychotic yet muscular tortoises dropped on their heads. Strangely, the turtles have impressive shells but seem rather unwilling to come out.

A Guide To Recognizing Your Music and Lyrics -- Drew Barrymore and Robert Downey Jr play a poverty-stricken singing duo forced to represent their country against overwhelming odds. Based on a tragic true story, with the facts stretched just a teensy bit in the final reel to have the USA winning Eurovision.

The Queen Has Eyes Too -- Helen Mirren is back in a horrifying tale of inbred savages, hungry for publicity. Guest-starring Robert Englund as Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Happy Feet Rising -- Cartoon penguins eat human flesh, but they're so sweet and fluffy that nobody minds.

And Now Available on DVD:
The Last Scorpion King of Scotland -- Until you've heard The Rock attempting a Glaswegian accent, you haven't lived.

Becoming Janespotting -- A charming tale of drugs, depravity and attractive bonnets that brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "romantic heroin".

* The Greek playwright Aeschylus is reputed to have died when an eagle dropped a tortoise on his head. So in theory, it all could have happened. Errr, possibly.
Tags: movies, silliness
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