To avoid any further embarrassing misunderstandings, I've been asked to inform the viewing public that the following rumours about Her Majesty likewise contain NO truth whatsoever:
- She is a staunch Harry/Hermione shipper, and if all her romantic dreams do not come true at the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, she is planning to have JK Rowling beheaded.
- She has tattoos on her inner thighs reading "God Save The Gracious Me" (right leg) and "Up The Arsenal" (left leg).
- She was offered a guest-starring role in this year's Doctor Who Christmas special, but turned it down, officially claiming that filming would clash with her annual speech, but secretly because Russell T. Davies refused to write the 45-minute after-the-watershed love scene with David Tennant that she was demanding.
- Her body mass is composed of 92% gin, 5.3% polycarbide alloy, 2.7% corgi hair, and trace elements of peanut.
- Every Tuesday afternoon, she makes all her footmen dress up in nothing but leather hot-pants and baby oil, and chases them around Buckingham Palace with a feather duster to the tune of the Benny Hill theme music.
I'm glad we've got that cleared up. You can go about your business now...