Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach

It fell off the back of a TARDIS, guv

Ever alert to the fannish Zeitgeist (hem hem), I was in a local café at the weekend, and noticed a boy aged about seven or eight, with his mother. He was rather excitable because he had just acquired the following peculiar item.

Yes, it's a "Doctor Who Car"...with David Tennant's face plastered on it!

Although I rolled my eyes at this apparently new low in BBC merchandising, the very informative Doctor Who Toys site (where the above image comes from) points out that this is NOT a legitimate piece of Who-stuff at all, but a bizarre sweatshop bootleg, put together using one cheap plastic car, a couple of downloaded pics and some less-than-elite Photoshop skills.

In retrospect, I rationalized, the fakeage was obvious. I mean, imagine the Doctor driving around in a car covered with huge pictures of his own face. It'd make the not-very-covert Torchwood shagwagon look like a discreet little runabout. And look at the words "Doctor Who" stuck over the windscreen. How unauthentic! Any fool knows he'd go for "Doctor" on the driver's side and "Gullible Totty" on the passenger's side! But then I started to delve deeper into the murky realm of Who merchandise, and the officially-approved truth turned out to be even stranger than the ineptly-pirated fiction.

After all, the Doctor may not drive around in a non-canonical chavmobile, but nor is he ever seen rolling down the road on a skateboard or a scooter. (It's definitely on my wish-list for series 4, though.) And the ranks of serious spun-off strangeness also feature such metafictional monstrosities as Cyberman socks, a double duvet cover (yes, double!) and matching curtains, none of which I consider remotely tempting.

However, I am slightly embarrassed to admit that one piece of locally available Who-tat DID call to me from the supermarket shelves, and the temptation was such that I could not resist:

It's the Dalek cookie kit!

Genetic experimentation brought to the nation's kitchens at last, how great is that? Just like Uncle Davros used to make! Admittedly, the supplied ingredients include weird little Rice Crispies for the Dalek bumps and dodgy-sounding "orange-flavoured gel" icing, so my culinary hopes are not high, but hey, the box includes a Dalek-shaped cookie-cutter which I'm sure will be the envy of my neighbourhood. I haven't baked them yet, but rest assured, I shall let you know what misshapen mutant beasts come rattling out of the oven...
Tags: doctor who
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