To the male half of the couple sitting on my left:
Yes, I realize your last girlfriend broke your heart and gave you a nervous breakdown, but I suggest you stop blaming her sister and start blaming her instead. More importantly, however, sort your own priorities out. Stop spending all day on Facebook trying to find women you knew years ago (such as the one who is now sitting opposite you) in the vain hope that you can cop off with them and prop up your flagging ego. Find a decent therapist and an interesting hobby (and no, Roman Catholicism does not count) and come to know yourself as an individual instead of throwing yourself at unsuitable partners. In fact, given your string of unsuccessful relationships with women and your surprisingly in-depth knowledge of musical theatre, are you sure you wouldn't be happier batting for the other team?
To the female half of the couple sitting on my left:
You may be think it's a charming coincidence that the man sitting opposite you found your Facebook page, and you seem delighted at the chance to catch up with him after all these years, but please realize that he's just a sad emotional wreck in search of a meaningless comfort shag, and as such, is not very interested in hearing about either you, your career, your current boyfriend, or indeed anything other than whether you can help him locate a convenient place to stow his willy for the evening. On the more serious matter of your absent beau, despite the fact that you think he's "quite sweet really" and his mates tell you that he's "started to relax" since you started to go out with him, I suggest you give him the elbow a.s.a.p. If your friends think he is rude and takes you for granted after only a month of going out, PLUS he keeps making you sit up all night crying, he really isn't worth the effort, even if he does earn £50K a year plus bonuses.
To the lesbian couple sitting on my right:
I appreciate that your relationship is going through a difficult patch at the moment and that you may be on the verge of splitting up. However, I'm afraid I am unable to offer you more specific advice on the matter until you both learn to speak much more loudly in noisy public places...