Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach

My anti-personnel cannon. Let me fire it at you.

I'm being rather slow off the mark with the fannish zeitgeist on this, but a meme did the rounds recently in which people listed their own personal bits of Doctor Who canon. Ever since livii and I correctly predicted that Jack would turn out to the Face of Boe, I have vaguely wondered whether any of our other wild stabs at the theory piñata would come true. The answer to that question is probably firmly in the negative, but on the off-chance, I thought I'd get these daft ideas cast-iron pieces of factitude out in the open, where they can be admired as the results of excessive gin consumption intellectual cultural theorizing that they are.

Do note: there are series 3 spoilers below, but nothing beyond that (unless, of course, lightning strikes twice and I'm right again, hem hem).

Five Pieces of Personal and Potentially True Who-Canon... Errr, Possibly
(and a Torchwood bonus!)

  • Time Lords don't go to the toilet, they are simply MUCH bigger on the inside, and all the food and the cups of tea and everything end up floating around for eternity in another dimension....

  • Despite the attractive pages that were shown on TV, most of the Journal of Impossible Things was actually full of schoolboy scribblings, drawings of penises, and rude limericks (e.g. "There was a young lass called Romana // Who had all the guys she could garner // But her dogged pursuit // Never bore any fruit // Till she fondled the Doctor's banana". And many, many more...)

  • The Doctor was secretly relieved when Gallifrey went boom, because it meant that his enormous Christmas card list was reduced to a more manageable size. In earlier times he used to program K9 to sign them, and on one rather disastrous occasion, Kamelion (suffice to say that sending 3,450,000 pictures of a snowman marked with the text "Manky Cockmush" to several politically sensitive galactic empires did not make the festive season go with a swing).

  • During the Year-That-Never-Was, while the Master was running the show, he had a secret bunker in which he imprisoned all his favourite recording artistes, forcing them to play for his entertainment whenever the fancy struck. However, an elite resistance force led by former Torchwood Three operative Shirley Bassey organized a mass break-out, forcing the Master to resort to his CD collection and putting him in a very tetchy mood. Tragically, Girls Aloud fell on the barricades but their sacrifice was remembered... well, for about three weeks, until the universe was reset.

  • The Tenth Doctor's falling out with Queen Elizabeth the First will occur when he bumps into her at a homecoming party for Sir Francis Drake. Her Majesty will be principally annoyed by the fact that the Doctor keeps calling her "Cate", saying how much he liked her in "that film with all the elves" and most particularly, his repeated requests for a feel of her pointy ears...

  • Torchwood bonus!: It's a little-known sordid fact that Torchwood's most canonical disembodied 'ship is not Jack/Hand, but Jack/Glove. It works because Jack is of course dead (in a kind-of sort-of way), so all he had to do was stick the glove on and he could get "res-erections" as often as he wanted....
Tags: doctor who, torchwood
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