Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach

Rhys in our time

As a vegetarian, I don't often find myself writing reviews of Meat. But for this week's Torchwood episode, I will make an exception.

  • I giggled at Ianto's admiration for the jingle. Risen mitten, life knife, sorry lorry... that's pure poetry, right there.

  • Groanarama for the "Have you ever eaten alien meat?" joke, but I guess Jack is as unable to resist an obvious punchline as the next omnisexual manslut.

  • See Rhys be brave and relatively competent! At least, by Torchwood standards. I would have suggested that they hire him, but he'd probably just show them up.

  • "We could feed the world." / "We could release a single." Hee! A world of filking opportunities awaits anyone wishing to speculate on what a Torchwood charity single would be like. I'm imagining "Feed The Weevil" and "Do They Know It's Sponsored By The Welsh Tourist Board?"

  • Tosh has clearly been searching for pulling tips by watching old footage from the Hub CCTV cameras. She's worked out that Jack/Ianto can be directly traced back to that pat-on-the-back scene in Small Worlds, and she's been probably practising at home on a cushion, but she's still having trouble with her follow-through. Poor lass.

  • The pterodactyl! It lives! And good thing too, just in case Tosh never wins over Owen and REALLY needs a date for Valentine's Day...

  • Meanwhile, my poor darling Ianto is left rolling his eyes in the background, starved of romance (sniffle) and anticipating the tedium of being left to look after a 100-foot whale beast in the Hub cellars. It's the Torchwood equivalent of being an old maiden aunt with 47 cats. I bet that thing's going to need one HUGE litter tray.

  • Speaking of large alien lumps of inexpertly rendered CGI, was I the only one getting Star Trek IV flashbacks from all the whaley wailing?

  • And in this week's mighty moment of gobsmacking what-the-fuckery, Owen suddenly turns into a bad video game, and no one notices!

  • I'm not a Gwen-hater, by any means, and she certainly gets a rough deal in fandom. Nonetheless, it can be pretty hard to sympathize when frankly I would kill to have problems like hers. *Oh no, two men love me! One of them is all sexy and intense, and the other one is all cuddly and affectionate! My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!" (Line partially nicked from Friends: sorry, it's an unavoidable side-effect of cable TV....)

  • And amid such a whirlpool of romantic angsting, isn't it odd that another source of tension has been totally forgotten. Gwen/Owen, anyone remember that? After all, Gwen might be idealistically eyeing up Jack at the same time as her tongue is in Rhys's mouth, but she already DID cheat on Rhys, albeit with a wanker. So what happened? Did the TW crew have a work night out and decide to collectively retcon it from their minds? Or was it simply another annoying emotional ball that the writers couldn't be bothered to juggle?

  • For heaven's sake, Jack, as I pointed out in my notes on Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, you could HAVE Gwen if you just grabbed her. It's the fact that their relationship is being obstructed by virtually nothing that really annoys me. It's being held up by the scruples of a man with next to no scruples, yet. Yes, I can see that Gwen is meant to mean a lot of Jack because she's symbolic of him turning his life around for the better and reawakening his conscience after years of bitterness and cynicism, but I find it hard to swallow when he's still bitter and cynical every other week, depending on which way the writers are blowing. If you ask me, the only sensible solution is that he shacks up with EVERYONE. To a man, woman, and pterodactyl. Torchwood just becomes Jack's personal harem and he happily lives forever, replenishing his herd of mates as the need arises. An end to loneliness and family-sized pizza for all...

  • Still, the Powers That Be have at least proposed an all-new solution to Jack's romantic dilemmas: Jack/Rhys! Let's face it, Rhys is Gwen's flavour of the week now, but they'll be squabbling away again before you know it. And Jack certainly seems up for it, if "This is quite homoerotic" is anything to go by. And Rhys called Jack "big boy" and even asked if he was gay by any chance, proving that he'd be up for it too. AND Rhys has already had a trial run at Jack's tourist entrance! And there could be endless slashy tales about them shagging in the back of a truck, and making goo-goo eyes at each other over overpriced cappuccinos at branches of Welcome Break and Little Chef! I can't say I'll be rushing out to read the fanfic, but I'll support to the end your right to write it...

  • All in all: ultimately a bit silly and vaguely unsatisfying. Ho-hum. Better luck next week, gang...

By the way, if you're wondering whether I have anything in my life that's not Torchwood, I would loudly proclaim that I most definitely do. After all, Ashes to Ashes starts tomorrow...
Tags: torchwood
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