What in psychedelic hell has happened to BBC Three? Tonight was the first time I've watched it since its image revamp, and it's absolutely hideous. Why on earth have they replaced the annoying little white logo in the corner of the screen with an even more intrusive fuchsia pink one? Why does their newsreader look like a disembodied manga head, and why do the news bulletins look like clips from The Fast Show? What happened to the cute little blob creatures between shows? What is wrong with broadcasting today? Eh? Eh?
And now, a few thoughts on "Dead Man Walking":
- Whoa, we're rushing off into the land of Mystic Silliness, with Jack going down to a flock-wallpapered basement to see a Spooky Young Girl (TM), who seems to have attended the same drama school as the little girl in the White Room from Angel and the Test Card Girl from Life On Mars. Not only does she have the power to predict the general direction of this week's script (don't we all?), but she's also got a collect-the-set Captain Jack card! Bet that's worth a lot on eBay. (Although probably not as much the very rare card of Ianto in a saucy French maid's outfit...)
- And then Jack started tippytoeing his way through a church full of sleeping Weevils, and I knew this episode was going to make No Sense At All (TM). I like the fact that the Weevils have been stashing old Barbie dolls in a box, though. I bet they're heard you can flog them online too. But sadly, they've not kept the original boxes. Silly Weevils, they fail at geekdom.
- "Here we go again." Yes indeed, Ianto. Only this time we've got Lefty the Glove, who seems to have pointier fingers than his deceased partner.
- And suddenly Owen's alive again. And not only has he not got a pulse (thus eliminating himself from the "People Jack Would Shag" list), but he's got a huge Jammie Dodger stuck to his chest with plasticine, AND he's been possessed by a cheap wobbly camera effect. Crikey, death's a tough gig.
- Technobabble alert! Martha detects that Owen is about 40% "something else". I wish they'd shown this as a pie chart, it would have been much funnier...
- Now see Owen possessed by a Steadycam! Just like Carys in "Day One", but with the subtle twist that he can't even get a decent bang for his buck anymore. Poor boy.
- Jack dated Proust, but wasn't very impressed! Having suffered through a small chunk of Marcel's whingeathon at university, I found this hilarious. God only knows, a celebrity shagathon through the century must seem like such a good idea until you end up snogging a wet Frenchman with a biscuit fetish.
- As soon as the glove started to scuttle across the floor, I started singing the theme from The Addams Family. Da-da-da-duh *click click!* Da-da-da-duh *click click!*
- And now, this week's Iantowatch: points are duly awarded for the stopwatch, "coming in pairs", and helping Jack on with his coat. But these are pale into insignificance in comparison with...
- ...the hockey stick! And the hilarious look that passed between Jack and Ianto because of it. Did it simply mean "where did you get that hockey stick from?", or have they got a highly elaborate St Trinian's fantasy dress-up game going on?
- Poor Martha, all that time spent having your old-age make-up put on and it still looks completely rubbish. Still, thank your lucky stars you didn't end up as a Dobby!Martha in a bird cage.
- Come to think of it, Martha, was there any need for you to be in this episode at all? Did you simply reckon it wasn't worth leaving Cardiff for a week then coming straight back? Or perhaps you just wanted model some more smart little jackets from your extensive collection?
- So, Tosh. The good news is, Owen's all yours. The bad news is, he's a walking corpse and unless rigor mortis sets in soon, he's going to be all mouth and absolute no trousers. Oh dear, you're going to have to content yourself with a coming together of pure and unsullied minds. And possibly a trip to Ann Summers.
- All in all then, a big old dose of pseudo-mystical silliness that made virtually no sense at all. Still, I got a few giggles out of it, and if Burn Gorman hadn't played it with such an admirably straight face, it could have been even worse, so kudos to him. Roll on next week, whatever it may hold...