Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach
redscharlach

The power of the arched eyebrow

The world and his half-human mother have probably seen the new Star Trek trailer by now, and you've probably already decided whether you're thrilled, shocked, horrified, disgusted, bored, confused or excited (or all of the above) by its very existence.

Speaking as someone with plenty of passive classic Trek knowledge but little emotional investment in it, who doesn't really care what they do with the mythology as long as the results are passably entertaining, I must confess that I found the whole thing rather stimulating. It may be true that the presence of a member of the cast of Heroes, however delightful his bone structure, is not always a guarantee of quality viewing (cf. I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here), and I also admit that I always fear getting anticipatory about a trailer, in case I'm disappointed by the film. But hey, in this case, I found I couldn't help myself. (What can I say, I don't get out much.)

Anyway, if your busy schedule does not permit an opinion of your own, allow me to walk you through the illustrated highlights:




And on this week's Top Gear, it's Richard Hammond: The Early Years.



I am strongly reminded of the road safety advertisements that are currently ubiquitous on British TV. "Jim didn't want to die, but he couldn't help himself..."



ROBOT:
Good afternoon, sir. Are you Anakin Skywalker by chance?



STROPPY CHILD:
No, my name is James Thelmaandlouise Kirk! Hey, do you think all this bleach will make my hair fall out when I'm older?



Kirk remembers when he was a lad, and this was all fields. Now they're building a ruddy great CGI starship in it.



Nonetheless, he has heard that starships are excellent places to pull bits of rampant totty. And thus a legend is born.



MINI-SPOCK:
Argh, I hate it when my mother cuts my hair. When I grow up, I'm definitely getting a much hipper hairdo.

OTHER VULCANS:
Yeah, good luck with that one, sonny.



SAREK:
Did you nick that baby from outside Sainsbury's, Winona?

WINONA RYDER:
I'm never going to shake off the lame shoplifting jokes, am I?

SAREK:
No.



God alone knows what's happening in this scene. It looks like Spock is using some sort of enormous futuristic urinal while some old guys voyeuristically stick their heads over the top of the stall.



Fake boulders fall. Everyone dies, mainly due to the startling sight of Sylar without his eyebrows. Their cause of death is listed as "mock rock Spock shock".



Spock and Kirk stand in the lighting department at IKEA on the Enterprise bridge and peruse the fangirls off the starboard bow.



The Enterprise flies away from the Dalek Crucible, having realized that it's much too early in the day for a multiverse crossover.



Chekhov fears that his stylish retro desk may have eaten his stapler.



Spock hopes that his mother isn't smuggling groceries under that headscarf.



KIRK:
So Spock, any ideas on how we're going to keep the fangirls interested?



SPOCK:
We could try gazing at each other homoerotically for hours on end. That generally works.



KIRK:
Sounds good to me. Just give me a few minutes and I think I'll be able to ignore your wig.



SPOCK:
How dare you knock my hair. You're bloody GINGER!

Meanwhile, a guy in the background points out that Spock is only pretending to be angry as an excuse to flash his svelte midriff for the viewing masses.



The Enterprise crew can't work out how to switch off the swirly vortex screensaver on their giant iMac.



Starship designers clearly have a hard time balancing the demands of interior design and health and safety considerations. They ought to get some nice beige non-slip carpet for that floor, it'd be much safer to run on.



And now, a preview of our forthcoming feature attraction, American Pie XI: Starfleet Frat Boys Go Wild! First, we have a scantily clad Kirk perving under a bed.



Then, as the fanservice coup-de-grâce, Uhura practises her communications skills on her own bosom.



SCOTTY:
I like this ship. It's got boobies on it!



And to close the intellectual portion of proceedings, Kirk demonstrates why trying to light your own farts is NEVER a good idea.



After all this silliness, it's refreshing to see that Sulu has health and safety issues at heart. He's wearing two seatbelts, and he's not even in a car.



Dr McCoy looks ever so slightly crazed.



Fools! A mere anorak is no defence against a huge red bitey monster.



SPOCK:
Do you promise to stop making rude comments about my hair?



KIRK:
I promise, I promise! Can we move onto the make-up sex now?



UHURA:
Hey, I noticed you all looking at my bra earlier. When do I get to see some naked male flesh, eh?



KIRK:
Will this do?

UHURA:
No, it doesn't count unless you are standing up, brightly lit and staring at your own crotch.

SPOCK:
Oh, don't encourage him.



EVIL ROMULAN GUY:
I don't know about you lot, but this looks like classy viewing to me!

THE END
(for now)


Roll on May, I say...
Tags: movies, star trek
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