Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach

Telly Petrelli time

It's time for the Heroes mid-season finale, so no more Heroics until January now. (Keep those sighs of relief down to a low volume, will you?)

Anyway, here are some thoughts on The Fifth Stage:

  • Bennet and Lauren: The Sexual Revolution Will Not Be Haitianized

  • By the look of his compass-themed living-room wall, it seems that Bennet has secret fantasies about being Joseph Fiennes in FlashForward. He's probably pining for the days when he himself was the nation's favourite shady government agent. Don't sulk, Noah. Get out of the house and DO something, then we might consider loving you again.

  • Dating tip: if you find yourself using a line like "You wanted me so bad that you had your own memory wiped so you wouldn't have to pine after my unattainable gorgeousness forever... No, really!" on a first date, things are not going well.

  • On the plus side, he does let Lauren fondle his laptop on the first date, which is more than many single guys would dare to do. Or perhaps she's just too tactful to refer to all his bookmarks for (username: HornyRimmedGent) and I Can Has Serial Killer?

  • Claire Goes Carnival, or Would You Like Some Idiot Dust on Your Popcorn?

  • Ha, Gretchen gets unduly excited when she and Claire get invited into Lydia's shed for some hot three-girl handholding action. But she's less impressed when she realizes that they're only there to look at Lydia's back, which is like a giant Post-It note for half-baked plot ideas and wobbly fanart.

  • Errr, why are you hugging Doyle, Claire? There's being polite, and there's ignoring the innate reflex to run away yelling "Creepy man! Creepy man!"

  • Claire entertains the kiddies with True Life Storytime. We don't get to hear the whole thing, but she apparently doesn't mention the part where the Indestructible Frog Princess gets messily dissected on the coffee table by the Brain-Fondling Sylamander Man. I know this because there was no sound of a crowd of children bursting into tears and squealing for their mommies.

  • Listening to pseudophilosophical pronouncements is pretty dull even when characters are spouting them sincerely (*cough*HelloMohinder*cough*). Listening to them when we know Samuel is bullshitting at a sub-Olympic level is almost painful in its tedium. And not only do we the viewers know that he's bullshitting, but even Gretchen knows it, and this leaves Claire looking like a naive idiot. I sighed many times, and was generally unimpressed with the whole affair.

  • Nonetheless, Claire is duly won over and decides to hang around meaningfully in a field, under the belief that she's being deep. (Pretty realistic behaviour for a college student, I must admit.) But I now foresee Samuel (and by extension the writers) having to do some tortuous conniving to keep all the new Carnival recruits away from each other as long as possible because the second they meet up and say "Fancy seeing you here!", his whole EVIL PLAN (TM) will fall to bits.

  • The Brothers Petrelli plus One: With Nails and I

  • At long last, a scene where Peter climbs on top of Sylar and gives him a damn good nailing! It's only a teensy bit disappointing that it involves actual nails. Homoeroticism, pseudo-religious imagery and a bit of the old ultraviolence, all rolling around together in tousle-haired and bloodstained delirium. Happy Christmas, folks.

  • And by the way, you have noticed that Sylar gets off on kinky masochistic stuff, haven't you Peter? Good, just checking.

  • And now, fashion news. Peter is almost back to his season 1 hair, but I don't mind because it makes him weirdly iconic. His omnipresent Paramedic shirt is also working well as an ad-hoc superhero costume: if only everyone had a similar shirt explaining who the hell they are, eh? On the evil side of the room, Sylar fights back with some delightfully butt-hugging trousers, although it's slightly disappointing that he didn't keep the pink Crocs that were part of his "nurse in the elevator" disguise. Yeah, they'd look silly, but who would dare to tell him so?

  • Back at the end of last season, when Sylar was forced into being Nathan, I guessed it would all culminate in a big bout of Petrelli-centric "weepy tragic man-sobbing", and oddly enough, the rooftop scene played out almost exactly as my imagination had pictured it, right down to the last melodramatic gasp. (Wait, he's going say 'Let me go' now... yep, he said it!) And of course, Peter's face reached such a zenith of tortured twistiness that it practically fell off the building too.

  • Still, I loved Sylar's smile on the way down, and his little wave at the end. But what's he going to do with himself now? Straight over to Bennet's place for a spot of ineptly executed revenge, maybe?

  • As a surprise to nobody, Nathan dies having totally forgotten that he has kids other than Claire. I hereby predict that those two boys will grow up to be EVIL because their daddy didn't love them (cf. Mr G. Gray). But if they do embrace the dark side, they're going to have to pick bad-ass nicknames for themselves, since no respectable supervillain is ever called Simon or Monty.

  • So whose power is Peter going to replicate next? René T. Haitian's ability isn't going to be much use at the hospital, unless Peter uses it to make his boss forget his erratic timekeeping. I'm guessing that the self-cloning guy is a likely candidate for a magic handshake: Peter could be a one-man superteam AND play multiplayer Left 4 Dead AND keep Emma happy (make that VERY happy), all at the same time.

  • After all the "what will we tell the Senate?" panicking at the end of the last volume, how is Angela going to brush this little incident under the carpet? Will she claim that Nathan accidentally cut his own throat in a bizarre gardening accident? Alternatively, she could wheel out the frozen body and claim that he's merely pining for the fjords, but rather like Nathan himself, I don't think that'll fly any more.

  • In conclusion, then: ten minutes of murderously melodramatic fun with Sylar and Peter, padded out with thirty-odd minutes of almost entirely pointless meandering. "It'll all make sense soon" says Samuel. Does anyone actually believe him? Still, I'll no doubt be back in the New Year to find out...

Thank goodness there are still three more Merlins before Christmas, eh? Woman cannot survive on Waitrose Chocolate and Nut Tiffin bars alone.
Tags: heroes
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