Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach

A lemon entry?

So, it transpires that the American TV network CBS have commissioned a pilot for a modern-day Sherlock Holmes series set in New York, called Elementary. Well, there's an original idea. Wonder where they got that one from, eh?

Of course, the joy of out-of-copyright stories is that people can make a squillion different adaptations and even if more than half a squillion of them are unutterable rubbish, the ones that are good will still be good. Fiction is resilient that way. Nonetheless, some folk may still need a teensy helping of reassurance in these troubling times, and thus I have compiled the following:

Ten Ideas For A US TV Adaptation Of Sherlock Holmes That Are Worse Than Elementary

1. Elementa-Glee
A modern-day Sherlock Holmes series set in an all-American high school, with musical numbers. Don't stop deducin'!

2. My Deer Watson
The heartwarming adventures of lil' Locky Holmes and his pet deer, who regularly saves his young master's life with his perky antlers and hardcore military training.

3. The Deer-Talker
Edgy urban remake of the above idea. A hardbitten detective uses his uncanny understanding of the language of woodland creatures to beat the crap out of drug-dealers and serial killers.

4. That's So Sherly!
A teenage girl cunningly leads a secret double life as a thirtysomething male detective. Her dad's going to be SO mad when he finds out!

5. Desperate Holmeswives
Sherlocqueline and Mycroffette are feuding sisters who investigate suburban mysteries and pull each other's hair a lot, while their muscular gardener Watson Johns slowly mows the lawn with his shirt off.

6. New Sherl
Mismatched flatmate hijinks with a quirky crime-solving chick who is totally a loveable elfin genius and not in any way irritating.

7. 'Tecs and the City
A sexy style-fest starring Sherlock Jessica Parker. Guest-starring Manolo Blahnik as Moriarty: cross him and he'll turn you into some really fabulous shoes!

8. Little Holmes on the Prairie
A plucky pioneer-girl detective sets out to investigate maple syrup, missing chickens and Native American genocide.

9. Amoeba in Bohemia
Sherlock Holmozoa is the world's only single-celled detective but is he destined to be single forever? The first romcom that can only be watched through a magnifying glass!

10. An Angsty Paranormal Virginal Vampire Romance That Somehow Also Involves Solving Mysteries In A Funny Hat
Yeah, this pitch needs a little more work but if we can somehow come up with a snappier title, I'm pretty sure we've got a surefire hit on our hands...
Tags: sherlock, telly
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