Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach

Don't look a gift otter in the Cumberbatch

Viewers, you catch me at a moment of great performance anxiety. You see, I really ought to do SOMETHING to follow up Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch and hopefully capitalize on its unexpected success before it passes unceremoniously into the wastelands of internet history, but what should it be?

Since the two most appealing elements of the original concept are a) otters and b) Benedict Cumberbatch, I know I can't justifiably remove either of those from the equation.* However, I've looked long and hard into the remaining alternatives and I'm afraid the results are far from promising...

Ten Doomed Ideas For A Sequel To "Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch"

1. Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch And The Women Who Love Them
Self-help book that gently explains how to deal with unrequited yearning for any cute thing that you can't have, whether that's a playful water-dwelling mammal or an atttractively cheekboned British actor.

2. Otters Who Cook Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Recipe book. Includes 101 things to do with a herring and tips for opening a can of sardines when you don't have opposable thumbs.

3. Otters Who Cluck Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Surreal storybook for children, in which Benedict Cumberbatch hangs around a farmyard and tries to teach otters to do chicken impersonations for no reason that can be rationally explained.

4. Otters Who Pluck Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Sequel to the above, in which Benedict, giddy with the unprecedented success of the chicken impressions, ambitiously attempts to train the otters to play pizzicato violin.

5. Otters Who Luge Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Extreme sports action: it's man against mammal, sliding feet first down a mountain on a tea tray. Who survives?

6. Otters Who Look Both Ways Before Crossing The Road Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Road safety campaign, with otters as the 21st century's answer to Tufty the Squirrel and Benedict as the new Green Cross Code Man.

7. Otters Who Look Good Naked Like Benedict Cumberbatch
TV makeover show, in which Benedict encourages timid viewers to cast off their clothing and sally forth covered only by a couple of discreetly positioned otters.

8. Otters Who Look Back In Anger Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Riveting kitchen-sink drama, the drama being caused mainly by the fact that Benedict can't get the otters to stay in the bloody sink.

9. I Know What Otters Who Look Benedict Cumberbatch Looked Like Last Summer
Horror movie in which an evil version of Benedict Cumberbatch trains otters to commit gruesome murders, because no one will ever suspect those innocent whiskery little faces.

10. Otters Who Should Be So Lucky (Lucky, Lucky, Lucky), Otters Who Should Be So Lucky Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Reworking of the Kylie Minogue hit that makes up in sheer relentlessness what it lacks in musicality, scansion and compassion for humanity. What a shame that the UK Eurovision entry for 2012 has already been decided, otherwise we might have a winner...

* So if anyone was waiting avidly for Pygmy Marmosets Who Look Like Tom Hiddleston, I can only apologize for the disappointment.
Tags: sherlock, silliness, wonders of nature

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