Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach

The Musketeers 3.10: A new royal family, a wild nobility

Unbuckle your swashes, cast off your sweaty leathers, throw your undergarments on the floor and hold on tight to the hairy companion of your choice, because we have reached the LAST EVER episode of The Musketeers. Without further ado, here are my thoughts about We Are The Garrison:

  • Before this review ends up as a swirling tempest of overexcited exclamations, I want to make a preliminary comment about the unprecedented, nigh unspeakable levels of handsomeness that are achieved throughout this episode. How do they do it? Is it a chemical compound or a special camera filter? Is it just what happens when you leave four good-looking chaps to steam slowly in leather for three years? I may never know, but I raise my glass to it.

  • Alas, we must begin at Treville's funeral, the pomp and circumstance of which is soundtracked by Grimaud's prematurely smug voiceover: "Your grief is your downfall…", blah-di-blah-blah. Clearly he learned nothing from Feron's fate-tempting soliloquy a few weeks back; his hours on this fictional earth are now plainly numbered…

    Fate hates smug people

  • Post-funeral, everyone bar the Queen gathers in the empty pub for Treville's wake. You can tell it's a rough night because they're already out of wine and Athos isn't even drinking. He's also the target of meaningful stares from Sylvie, who has yet to tell him that her gynaecological garrison has a new recruit. In fact, fatherhood of various flavours turns out to be an ongoing theme this week, with Porthos emotionally declaring that Treville was "a father to all of us", but just as the late Minister is being toasted, some cartoon bombs get thrown through the window and the whole tavern gets toasted too. Eek!

  • By this stage, I was even wibbling that the title sequence still has pictures of Louis and Treville but just a gap where their names should be. Awww.

  • The Muskeboys pick themselves up off the pub floor (not for the first time) and go out to see what's going on. Oh no, what's that massive explodey thing in the sky?

    Exploding ovaries shake city

  • Shit, the garrison's on fire, and Constance is in there! Her beloved runs in after her and ka-boom! Oh hell, has D'Artagnan been blown as sky-high as the BBC's special effects budget? There are blazing planks and manly tears everywhere, but not quite enough of the latter to extinguish the former. Various people are dragged from the wreckage, including a badly wounded Clairmont the cadet, but Roger the horse is okay, so that's something. Yet amid the general despair, who's this charging out of the flames like a grimly determined phoenix/Bambi hybrid? It's D'Artagnan and an unconscious Constance. For a terrible moment, Constance seems to be dead... but no, it's just that Aramis's medical powers of plot convenience are shot to shit this season, and she's actually fine. Phew! Brujon the Muskecadet is fine too, albeit a little charred: anyone for a portion of Brujon brûlé?.

  • Grimaud marches into the Tavern of Off-Duty Ineptitude (a.k.a. The Piss-Up and Brewery) and announces inaccurately that only D'Artagnan is dead (well, serves him right for skimping on fact-checking in favour of striking a Batman pose on the roof). Marcheaux, who has traded in his Red Guard captain jacket for some leather-based clubwear, is still a lazy git and and wants to handwave the whole problem but Grimaud's rather more focused on the evil task in hand, especially now he's got his mitts on Chekhov's gunpowder.

  • Next morning, our heroes gather for a bit of smouldering amid the rubble. There's no garrison any more... or is there? Activating the Rousing Manly Speech™ power he magically inherited when Treville died, Athos declares otherwise: "Wherever we draw breath, make a stand, save a life, that is the Garrison. We are the Garrison." Hoorah, and be still my quivering hormones...

  • Sylvie pops home to the settlement to pick up some supplies, but oh no, Team Sadistic Incompetence has got there first! Grimaud takes Sylvie hostage and alerts the Musketeers via a new messaging service he's developed that utilizes dead old ladies as couriers: he's calling it Snapneck. However, Grimaud doesn't know D'Artagnan's alive, so he's free to be their secret weapon, like a puppy with a nail gun.

  • "Why would you bring a child into this world?", Grimaud asks Sylvie. I dunno, because reliable birth control hasn't been invented yet? Or because hanging around with Aramis is like getting regularly bombarded with fertility rays? Or maybe because given the levels of sex Athos has been putting out recently, he could probably impregnate you just by looking at you? Whichever it is, it does lead to a rather good moment when Sylvie realizes Grimaud genuinely can't see anything good in the world at all. The best character beat he's had all season, in fact. And about time too.

  • As Covert!D'Artagnan gets his lurking orders, Athos quizzes him about love and relationships, a sweet scene hampered only slightly by the backdrop of agonized groans and squeals coming from Clairmont on the operating table. And speaking of our heroes' love lives, enter a surprise Elodie from two weeks ago, giving Porthos a chance to interact cutely with a baby. Although I'm virulently allergic to babies myself, I must admit that Porthos + baby makes an undeniably adorable combo. It's the bigness/littleness thing, innit. Although come to think of it, Porthos + kitten would be even better...

  • Okay boys, what do we say when we're off to fight dirty with Grimaud? "No mercy." / "No rules." / "No honour." No argument from me, lads, since I'm now typing from a puddle on the living room floor. Porthos and Aramis immediately get dragged off to be executed by henchmuppets, which goes as well as you might expect, due to Covert!D'Artagnan dropping in from a great height. Athos and Sylvie get handcuffed and although it's a lot less sexy than the last time they played with restraints, Athos finds out about the bun in Sylvie's oven and they have a bit of a moment anyway. Then it's MASSIVE PUNCH-UP TIME, at least until Grimaud runs away for the 400th time this season, crawling into a cranny with what looks like a Swiss army knife stuck in his shoulder (ouch). A more satisfying result occurs when D'Artagnan goes scarily hardcore on Marcheaux's weaselly arse (gosh, little D'Artie has grown up a lot, hasn't he?) and flings him onto a random spiky object that conveniently happens to be lying about. Ding, dong, the dickhead's dead!

  • Right, back to the garrison for a chat about Athos's impending daddyhood. The other Muskeboys can't wait to be uncles and Tom Burke does a fantastic line in giddy delight with an undercurrent of shit-I'm-a-grown-up panic, spilling into tearful it's-just-too-muchness (awww). In an adorable attempt to make his friends as happy as he is, Athos recommends Porthos for promotion and shamelessly suggests to Queenie (with a killer glint in his eye) that Aramis would be an excellent replacement for Treville, due to his "ecclesiastical" knowledge (well, he certainly knows a lot of people in the Biblical sense) and "his charm... a great asset with those prickly ambassadors." Is that a euphemism, as in "I gave him a good kick in the prickly ambassadors"?

  • Elodie's got a hammer and isn't afraid to use it. Nor is she afraid about Porthos being a soldier, which puts her ahead of the widowed Alice, Porthos's ladyfriend from season 1. Porthos needs a woman who's willing to share him with France, you see. Fortunately, there's plenty of him to go around.

  • Poor Brujon watches as his chum Clairmont dies, and even though Constance is very calm and sensible about it, she then goes downstairs for a bit of a weep, because not even a mighty woman like Constance can put on a brave face forever (awww). But oh no, Grimaud is lurking in the cellar and Constance has never met him before so she doesn't know she's in danger! Conveniently, despite this temporary setback to my frazzled nerves, he vanishes through his personal portable wormhole as soon as she's de-knifed him.

  • Queenie and Mini-King arrive at the cathedral for a big memorial service, since Queenie has decided that the people need to be united, and apparently what will unite them is if they can all point at her and declare "Mon dieu, that woman's hair is ENORMOUS!"

    Massive hair endangers Paris

    Luckily, Elodie spots Grimaud lurching into the church disguised as a priest – for a moment I thought he'd given up wanting to be Batman and decided to come as Zombie!Richelieu, but no, he's actually impersonating Guy Fawkes: he doesn't have the Puritan hat but he DOES have the cellar full of gunpowder and it looks like there may be fireworks. Oh shit, thinks Constance, now I've got to stop a massive social occasion and it's all going to be REALLY awkward. It all goes quite smoothly, however: Porthos and the Muskeladies (excellent band name) evacuate the cathedral while Aramis takes the Queen (NOT LIKE THAT) and Mini-King to safety (which is handily located about 50 feet away), and D'Artagnan and Athos make a run for the cellars to stomp on Grimaud's fizzing fuses.

  • With the explosions averted, Athos demands some quality one-on-one time with Grimaud (well, it's only fair since D'Artagnan took out Marcheaux earlier), and for important plot reasons, the duel takes place in a big tank of water. In case you hadn't noticed Athos's embrace of happy things this week, he announces that you don't have to live alone (hoorah, good message!) before diving in for the kill. And of course, Grimaud dies making Athos soaking wet and breathless (double hoorah of a mildly pervy nature!), thus rendering his existence not entirely pointless! It's all right, D'Artagnan, you can come in now: it's all over bar the deliciously heavy breathing...

  • The evacuated crowds are allowed back in the cathedral (we skip the bit where they're all milling about outside muttering about the poor event planning and lack of toilet facilities), and watch in mild confusion as Queenie immediate sacks all the Musketeers and rehires them. Is this is some sort of tax dodge? Whatever it is, they're now the People's Musketeers, so I presume that everyone now gets a go on them. Form a nice orderly queue, folks. No shoving.

  • And now, the celebrations can begin. Mini-King gets a proper line at last and it's a belter: "Are you my new servant, Aramis?" (not exactly, your Majesty, but your mother has plenty of experiences of his "services"). Porthos is promoted so he basically becomes General Dumas, father of Alexandre Dumas (if you want to know more about him, I can recommend his biography, The Black Count). And Queenie offers Aramis the job of First Minister, which he meets with a resounding "ummm… no". Oh, for heaven's sake, man, think it over. We'll come back to you in a bit.

  • Time for Porthos and Elodie to take a stroll through the market together. Not only does Porthos propose (awww) but this scene also hails the final appearance of a favourite Musketeers guest star: yes, it's CARROTS. Farewell, most valiant of vegetables! You're up there with the anachronistic tomatoes of Merlin in TV's Perennial Pantheon of Produce.


    Also, I take the carrots to be an undeniable symbol that Porthos and Elodie's relationship will last, even though they've only known each other for about three minutes, because in Musketeerland, carrots are ETERNAL. More seriously, it's lovely that Elodie's baby is named Marie-Cessette after Porthos's mum (first mentioned last season), who was herself named after Alexandre Dumas's grandma.

  • Aramis dithers hopelessly about the impossibility of combining fatherhood with ministerhood, but as Athos points out, with reasoning that's both eminently sensible and extremely touching, Treville was basically their dad, so if Aramis gets promoted to full Trevillity, that's pretty much a licence to be a dad to the Dauphin. Awwww.

  • I was wondering who had inherited the secret code for Treville's Activate-Milady! button: turns out it was Queenie. She's got a mild irritation she needs to get rid of, and Milady's discreet extermination services are required. But who's left to assassinate? Ah-ha, I had literally forgotten all about Gaston! Well, there's no one more deserving of a flying stab in the back, frankly. Well done, Milady! You've been undressed by kings and you've seen some things that a woman ain't s'posed to see. Now swish away stylishly and get your own spin-off assassining series…

  • Right, folks, Kleenex at the ready because it's time to say goodbye. Hugs all round for Porthos, because he's off to the front! (Presumably he and Elodie have tied the knot and consummated it while we were watching Milady do her thing, yes?) Brujon is promoted to official Musketeer and Mildly Confused Sidekick Boy! Perhaps most startling of all, D'Artagnan gets promoted to Captain because Athos is leaving with Sylvie to go on a gap year! And Aramis is left standing alone... or is he??

  • And lo, Athos and Sylvie stand on the road out of Paris, looking for all the world like a fairytale prince and princess. And not only is Athos about to be a dad, he's also become a fairy godfather to his friends, by granting them just what they've always wanted. First of all, for D'Artagnan – a hat!

    Man wears hat.

    Viewers, I actually cheered out loud at this bit. Never has a piece of headwear been so legendary to so many for so long. Meanwhile, Porthos has found himself a ready-made family, so Athos grants him a new career with fancy armour and plenty of justified reasons to kick the shit out of people, hooray! And as for Aramis, he gets to see his son every day AND snog his beloved Queenie behind random bits of architecture! If I were to quibble, I'd say I'm not totally sure Aramis is cut out for political power – he's never been great with sensible decision-making, has he? – but hey, royal council meetings just got a whole lot prettier, so who cares?

  • Goodness me, Tom Burke's voiceover was so lovely at the end. Passion, courage, faith and love. Viewers, I cried buckets. (And I also started shipping Roger the Horse and Sylvie's horse, but you probably didn't need to know that.)

  • In conclusion: Delirious heartwarmingness. Happy tears. Amazing lovely things coming to a satisfying end. Oh, and handsome men in leather. Did I mention the handsome men in leather? A zillion thanks to the wonderful cast and crew who made The Musketeers such an entertaining slice of telly for three years, and thanks to everyone who read these reviews, commented, tweeted, giggled, quibbled and encouraged me to keep writing them. In the words of a contemporary philosopher, it's been emotional.

    All for one, and love from me


    So long and thanks for all the carrots

Tags: the musketeers
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August 3 2016, 17:55:22 UTC 1 year ago

Brilliant as ever! I shall miss the series, and your reviews! Fancy doing a Poldatk one soon??
Thank you! I do watch Poldark, but I'm afraid I'd have trouble trying to be funny about it every week...
Thank you so much for your wonderfully funny and tender and sweet reviews. I have enjoyed them all very much.
I loved all the musketeers this week. The hat was so worth waiting for - and the hair sweep that preceded it finding its place on D'Artagnan's head. Porthos and a baby was a sure-fire hit, as was "isn't my jacket a becoming colour, and look, I fill it out beautifully" moment for Aramis. Athos was skewered (again), and managed to look physically as well as emotionally pained by holding his coat and standing oddly. Perhaps that's why he couldn't ride out of Paris? I know it was for conevenience of filming their conversations and their kisses -- oh dear, I'm sighing again because it was The End.
Thank you again for pointing out so many things I missed, and will now have to rewatch the episode to spot. Such hardships. All for one, one for all!
Thank you so much, I've loved writing them. Yes, it was lovely that all the boys got a heartwarming/handsome moment to end on!
Another lovely post--thank you! I have enjoyed reading your reviews and only wish I stuck with the series (I did see the first episode when it came out, liked it, and didn't follow through...doh!), but glad I rediscovered this series.

I really liked how they ended it. Happy. Am reading Twenty Years Later and they each DID go their separate ways until d'Arty comes to find them again. Characters were quite close to book characters, particularly Athos. I like how he softened this series (Sylvie? War? combo?) because when we do see him in the book sequel d'Art notices he has Canon imho!

Anyway, thank you for the hiliarious reviews and they will certainly be missed, but we can say it fun!


August 3 2016, 20:16:54 UTC 1 year ago

Yes, I have been intrigued by how closely the series have kept to the spirit, if not the letter, of the books.
Thanks for your consistently hilarious reviews! I'm really going to miss them and the series. And the carrots.
Thank you! We'll always have the carrots...
I genuinely think I will miss your hysterical recaps as much as I will miss the lovely boys. I lost my shit at "Snapneck" :D :D :D
I was so pleased with the way it all ended. The ending of the book has them going their separate ways, and although bittersweet, as a massive fan/nerd of the book, I was very happy to see some correlation:
-Porthos married his widow (albeit not the rich one like the book) and went off on a new adventure
-D'Artagnan got his promotion (and Constance was spared - yay!). The hat had me grinning like a fool.
-Athos is (sort of) carrying on as a Musketeer, presumably to retire after a little while like in the book and go back to being a Count.
-Aramis got his job change, wisely not back to the priesthood.
I LOVED the little nod to General Dumas, so fitting for the marvelous Howard Charles. I desperately want someone to do a film/tv program and cast him as the General. Also, could a name change be in the works for Aramis? In Dumas' later books, Queenie has taken up with a member of her court (Mazarin) <3 It could happen! Perhaps we should start a petition for the BBC to do an adaption of "Twenty Years Later" to see where the boys have ended up.

Oh, that's nice that they sort-of tied it into the novels, which I haven't read... maybe I should rectify this omission now.

Also, by amazing coincidence I had the same thought as you: I looked at Anne's Wikipedia page to find out what happened to her during the regency, and wondered "hmmm, I wonder if Aramis is the new Mazarin?" Aramazarin...


1 year ago

Thank you so much, I was lots of fun!

I was shipping Grimaud's mum and Aramis secretly after E7, she really deserved a great lover, and Aramis a child with better hair, but hey, at least D'Artagnan got a hat ;).

Grimaud's mum and Aramis

Yes, I thought they were lovely together.


1 year ago

who's this charging out of the flames like a grimly determined phoenix/Bambi hybrid?

*lol* So a winged Bambi? OH MY.

"Why would you bring a child into this world?", Grimaud asks Sylvie. I dunno, because reliable birth control hasn't been invented yet?

BOOM. Also because abortion was hard to obtain and could be just as deadly as birth? But like Grimaud knows or cares.

In an adorable attempt to make his friends as happy as he is, Athos recommends Porthos for promotion and shamelessly suggests to Queenie (with a killer glint in his eye) that Aramis would be an excellent replacement for Treville, due to his "ecclesiastical" knowledge (well, he certainly knows a lot of people in the Biblical sense) and "his charm... a great asset with those prickly ambassadors."

Athos teasing Anne was BEAUTIFUL. Mischievous Athos!

Also loved the symbolism of Athos drowning Grimaud and then coming out of the water himself like he was newly baptised.

Aramis dithers hopelessly about the impossibility of combining fatherhood with ministerhood, but as Athos points out, with reasoning that's both eminently sensible and extremely touching, Treville was basically their dad, so if Aramis gets promoted to full Trevillity, that's pretty much a licence to be a dad to the Dauphin. Awwww.

Athos was incredibly patient with Aramis here. I was yelling on Twitter "YOU'RE TURNING THIS DOWN BECAUSE HE'LL NEVER CALL YOU 'PAPA' WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

I had literally forgotten all about Gaston! Well, there's no one more deserving of a flying stab in the back, frankly.

Word, nobody was upset about this. Nobody.

I can't believe EVERYBODY LIVED! After the horror of Rochefort's attempted coup and the grimness of this series, to have a Babies Ever After ending was so unexpected that I sat staring at the screen with a stupid grin on my face. WHAT A TRIUMPH.
Athos was indeed MASSIVELY patient with Aramis at that point! Mind you, being patient with Aramis is something he's had plenty of experience with, over the years. As he pointed out earlier this season, Aramis is his penance. :-D

Yeah, I was worried too that there might be a grim/dark twist at the ending and SO relieved and pleased when there wasn't. HAPPY THINGS FOR MY LOVELY BOYS, YAY.


1 year ago


August 3 2016, 23:09:20 UTC 1 year ago

Oh my goodness, I am crying bitter tears because our boys are gone and because I will so miss your mad, crazy, carrot crunching reviews, boohoo. !😢
I so loved the final piece,especially the concluding five mins.D'artagnan getting the new Muskies and a hat!! The writers must have a great sense of humour.
Athos a common law wife and a baby on the way, Porthos a legal wife and a ready made baby, and gorgeous Aramis, a new job, a stunning blue outfit and a snog behind the statuary, who could ask for more. Well me actually, but alas I ask in vain.
Somehow Poldark just doesn't push the same buttons.
Thanks for brightening my days and giving me so many giggles. Xxx

You're very welcome! I enjoy the odd joke about Poldark and its shameless shirtlessness, but I can never get past the "one handsome bloke < four handsome blokes" basic maths issue. :-D
Your reviews have been delightful ♥ I have some quibbles about s3, but I'm going to miss this series so much. And where am I going to find this many pretty men in one place again?
Yeah, this sort of mass convergence of aesthetically pleasing manhood will be tough to replace, alas.
Delirious heartwarmingness. Happy tears. Amazing lovely things coming to a satisfying end. Oh, and handsome men in leather. Did I mention the handsome men in leather? What more does one need? :)
Nothing else required! Although a new and regular supply of handsome men on my telly would be nice...


1 year ago


August 4 2016, 16:30:20 UTC 1 year ago

I have loved teading uour teviews
..brilliant!! I too am gutted the show is over. But who knows??? Twenty Years After ??? Thanks've made me laugh!
You're very welcome!
I, too, wondered who Milady was being sent to kill, having completely forgotten about Gaston's existence by that point!

Gutted that we won't have any more of your wonderful reviews to read... these were a perfect replacement for the equally wonderful Merlin reviews, but now there is nothing to fill the void. :( Thanks so much for all the fun while it lasted!
Thank you, it was a pleasure! I'd be delighted to review something else in future, but the televisual powers-that-be would have to provide me with the right sort of show first...
And so it ends. Sigh.

Like everyone else I had completely forgotten that Gaston was still alive (albeit briefly...)

My brother-in-law was visiting when we watched the ep yesterday and was extremely bemused when we cheered at the final appearance of the carrots!

I was so expecting Constance or Athos to die this episode and I can't tell you how happy I was neither did: I like a dose of Grimdark stuff once in a while, but it's become so common now that an unabashed happy ending once in a while is just lovely (except for Treville, *sob*)

I did comment while we were watching it that Grimaud - with all his injuries and escapes - was sorta coded as a supervillain? Unlike everyone else, it seems, I actually rather liked him. Certainly I thought he brought a nice gravitas to his villainy, along with his terrible taste in sidekicks. A bit more backstory would have helped, though.

Athos teasing Ann was lovely and showed a vein of sly humour that I hadn't expected - though still not up to D'Artagnan's Raised Eyebrow of 'Are You Shitting Me?' that he's perfected this season.

I admit, I wasn't as big a fan of this season overall. I thought that the plot lacked the lightness of touch of the earlier seasons and suffered from the problem that Constance's story was pretty much wrapped up last season and they struggled to know what to do with her (distinct lack of Action Constance I feel.) I also missed Milady's icy, bitter presence. But I can't knock the final scenes of the series!

Anyway, thanks again for the constantly entertaining commentaries. We should all do it again sometime!
Yes, the happy ending was a pleasant surprise to me too! Athos has always had a slightly sarky sense of humour about him (remember "let's keep it suicidal..." from season 1) but D'Artagnan's raised eyebrow of WTF can never get enough love. <3
I laughed out loud at "gave him a good kick in the prickly ambassadors" :D And like you, I had literally forgotten all about Gaston, and cheered when d'Artagnan got a hat.

It was ace, wasn't it? So glad they went for an unfashionably happy ending. Although I thought Roger the Horse was looking frankly embarrassed by what was going on at the end there.

On a serious note, I do love this show but I'm not sure I'd have kept up with the entire three series if it hadn't been for the added incentive of your brilliant recaps, so thank you. On a more shallow note, I enjoy feeling clever whenever I can identify your song lyric titles, but this series there's one I know but can't place, and three that ring no bells at all... It's annoying me!
I'm glad somebody's been following the random lyric quotes – I was just putting those in to amuse myself, really! I think they're probably all Googlable, if you put quote marks around them before you search, and possibly add "+lyrics".


August 7 2016, 10:56:51 UTC 1 year ago

Thanks so much for these lovely and hilarious reviews! They leave the reader on a high note, and with a great fondness for all the familiar characters and tropes ^_^
Aww, thank you, glad you were entertained!
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