Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach

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A gentle EMPIRE o'er fraternal souls...

Recently, alasdair expressed great annoyance at the over-use of the word "squee" within the Livejournal community. He suggested, rather appositely, that the offending word could usefully be replaced by the phrase "I am excited by this prospect". I thought this was an excellent idea – so much so, in fact, that I have decided to make it the basis of a New Year's Resolution for you all. (No, you don't have to thank me for relieving you of the dull task of making your own resolution – it was my pleasure, I assure you.)

Allow me to present my new campaign: Everyone Must Post In Reasonable English – EMPIRE for short. It is designed to alleviate the tedium and illiteracy of a large proportion of LJ posts by promoting literate usage, yet still allows the kind of light-hearted and lively discourse that we all enjoy.

The basic guidelines are very simple. Just replace the phrase you regularly use with my suggested alternatives. It may not come easily at first, but rest assured, once your atrophied brain cells are forced creaking into action again, you will soon be typing away in a veritable deluge of articulate thought!

Old phrase: Squee!
New phrase: I am excited by this prospect.

Old phrase: It ROX
New phrase: I approve of this sort of thing, and wish to encourage it.

Old phrase: It SUX
New phrase: I disapprove of this sort of thing, and wish to discourage it.

Old phrase: It ROX my SOX
New phrase: This sort of thing has my full and enthusiastic support.

Old phrase: He/She is TEH HOTNESS!!!!
New phrase: He is a most charming gentleman.
OR She is a most accomplished young lady.

Old phrase: He/She is TEH DORK
New phrase: He/She is not the sort of person with whom I wish to be associated.

Old phrase: w00t!
New phrase: I am wholeheartedly in favour of this development.

Old phrase: Ph34r |\/|y L33T H4x0r 5k1llz
New phrase: Frankly, I cannot see why a reasonable person would wish to make such a statement, since it basically means "I wish to use my rudimentary technological abilities to draw unwarranted attention to myself". If you are looking for a replacement conversational opener, I might suggest "Would you like to admire my fine embroidery?" If accompanied by a becoming blush, it does not necessarily sound immodest.

Sample usage: Sean Bean is coming for tea. I am excited by this prospect, for he is widely agreed to be a most charming gentleman. However, I do hope that he has not asked his erstwhile colleague Orlando Bloom to accompany him. I disapprove of the low level of his acting talent, and wish to discourage it. He is decidedly not the sort of person I wish to be associated with. Goodness me, is that the telephone ringing? Excuse me while I answer it. Ah, it is excellent news! Sean will be coming alone. I am wholeheartedly in favour of this development! I wonder whether he would like to admire my embroidery?

Do you see? The rule of EMPIRE is the road to progress and enlightenment. Now, who shall join me?
Tags: empire, fandom
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