Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach

"Well, I'm Jewish and I don't give a toss..."

Hello, my name is Jill (waits for everyone to shout "Hello Jill") and I am addicted to The Apprentice (UK version). Yes, it's a hideous car-crash of a show featuring a rag-tag fugitive collection of some of the most irritatingly slappable people ever to management-shriek their way onto reality TV, but it's hopelessly tranfixing. Below the cut are my ramblings about this week's episode. The rest of you can leave: I'll be back with something more dignified (like more semi-pornographic Potterist poetry) at a later date.

Well, a shock firing for Rachel tonight – or was it? Yeah, she'd plainly lied outright on her CV and was a total waste of space in the task, but so was everyone else. But I am coming to trust in Sir Alan and his rude and sweary greatness, and I believe that while he misses many of the little squabbles, he truly sees The Big Picture.

In an in-pub discussion I was having about this show two episodes ago, a mate and I could only see any real winning potential in Paul, and at a pinch, in Saira (since after her disastrous project-managing start to the series, she had at least shown a lot of drive to sell). Then of course last week it all went pear-shaped, as they both fell apart in the art task, seemingly due to a collective chip on their shoulders about not being posh enough to understand art, and ended up in that humungous simmering row that made Paul look like the sexist arse he undoubtedly is and Saira look like the blithering schoolyard telltale that she undoubtedly is. Anyway, Rachel's parting comment that Sir Alan must like Paul and Saira because they are "pugnacious" was highly perceptive. He likes 'em because they are scrappy, and because scrappy makes Good Telly. And the clip of next week seems to imply that they will be on separate teams from now on, which MUST (please, Sir Alan) be building them both up for a big head-to-head in the final stages.

The first few weeks have already picked off the biggest nutters (who didn't cheer when the monstrous Adele went the way of all flesh? And who wasn't really disappointed that she pre-empted the firing by walking of her own volition, thus depriving Sir Alan of the chance to tell her what a pointless tart she was?). Now the probably-quite-nice-but-not-Good-Telly Rachel's gone, the personality-free non-entities must be next (unless one of the future tasks is going to be finding 10 uses for Sebastian, excluding hat-stand and draught-excluder). Let's face it, now Sir Alan has publicly fingered Raj as the dense one, he certainly ain't long for this show either. Among a crowd of baying bloodhounds, the dog he most resembles is Saira's bitch...

So I semi-confidently predict a Paul vs. Saira finale. Hopefully this will the form of a diss battle in a boxing ring in front of a capacity crowd at White Hart Lane, with both of them dressed up in drag and impersonating each other, with Saira struggling to mimic Paul's "I am smiling in an attempt to join in with the joke, but am actually totally humourless" smile, and Paul replicating Saira's convoluted sentences full of misplaced adverbs with pinpoint accuracy.

I may be totally wrong and it'll end up as James vs. Miriam. But if that happens, I'll fire Sir Alan myself.
Tags: telly
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