Ten questions on a single theme. Post the answers to your LiveJournal, and you too can be a Turkmenbashi, or even some other sort of bashi.
1. In 1999, Saparmurat Niyazov was declared president-for-life of Turkmenistan. Which country would you like to be declared president-for-life of?
I'm not an ambitious dictator, so I don't think I could hack the responsibility of ruling Britain or anywhere remotely large. On the whole, I'd prefer a nice neat little country like Monaco or Lichtenstein. That way, I'd get to be in Hello! magazine a lot, but I wouldn't have to fret too much about global warming and social problems.
2. President Saparmurat Niyazov placed a 40ft gold-plated statue of himself on top of his palace that rotates to follow the sun. What will the statue on top of your palace look like, and what will it do?
It would look like me, reclining in splendour, and being borne aloft by half a dozen tightly-buttocked male statues (I'm thinking Michelangelo's David here). Whenever anything particularly good happened in my queendom, there'd be a button I could press and they'd all give Statue!Me the bumps to celebrate.
3. When President Saparmurat Niyazov gave up smoking, he banned everyone else from smoking in public as well. Which of your personal foibles will you require your entire population to emulate?
Wearing sensible shoes, getting excited about pyjamas, and being very, VERY finicky about desserts.
4. President Saparmurat Niyazov expects his citizens to take spiritual guidance from his book of observations. Which book will you expect your citizens to take guidance from?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar. On Mondays, people will have to eat through one apple. On Tuesdays, two pears. And so on throughout the week. Promotes fruit farming AND digestive health, see?
5. President Saparmurat Niyazov renamed the months of the year, with one named for himself and one for his mother. What will you call the months of the year in your country? (For preference, name one for yourself and one for your mother.)
In chronological order: Lucretia, Eccleston, Aardvark, Klimt, Emmylou, Dilettante, Micklewhite, Nutmeg, Wogan, Jillium (that's the one named after me), Plocktwizzle, Florence (that's my mum).
6. President Saparmurat Niyazov has named many other things after himself as well, including airports, schools, a city, and even an asteroid. Pick three things to name after yourself. One must be a city, and one must be a natural landmark or celestial body that you have absolutely no claim to.
I'd rename London Jillsville, I'd rename the Alps the Jillhills, and the planet Jupiter would be called Jillpeter (that's after me and my brother – even though I imagine he'd probably want to become my nemesis and take over Andorra).
7. President Saparmurat Niyazov has banned opera, ballet and recorded music. What types of music, theatre and entertainment will you outlaw?
Amateur dramatics and freeform jazz. Both shall be punishable by karaoke.
8. President Saparmurat Niyazov likes to write poems and read them to his citizens on national television. ("Let your cream boil over always, never feel the lack of it.") What self-indulgent purpose will you put your national broadcasting corporation to?
Endless repeats of TV programmes that I like, interspersed with bulletins by me in which I interpret issues of the day by means of freeform performance dance. Or just by doing the conga with my imperial harem of lovely scantily clad men, whichever moves me more on the day.
9. President Saparmurat Niyazov has banned young men from growing their hair long or having beards, and he's banned gold teeth. What aspects of fashion, grooming or cosmetics will you stamp out (or enforce) in your country?
Fake tan, blusher, and those tiny little pointless beards that look like hairy zits.
10. President Saparmurat Niyazov has ordered the construction of a giant ice palace in the middle of the desert. What unfeasible construction project will you order your citizens to undertake?
A gigantic hydraulic hand that can be moved to any position near the border of my land, in order to flick V-signs at the inferior countries nearby (i.e. all of them). That would amuse me highly.