Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach

Torchwood (and who wouldn't?)

So today everybody and their granny are all het up about the prospect of The Dirty Welsh Adventures of Captain Jack Torchwood, and I must admit that I'm one of them. Yeah, on the one hand, we've got the "intrinsic dodginess of spin-offs" factor. Then again, on the other hand we've got the "likelihood of Captain Jack accidentally losing all his clothes and getting covered in maple syrup for important plot-related reasons within the first twenty minutes" factor. Call me ridiculously optimistic if you wish, but I know where my money is.

Nonetheless, I know that some people are a little more cynical about the entire venture, so if you're still unsure, you may wish to peruse the following exclusive, garnered at great expense through the use of my top secret Telepathic Oracular Functioning Future Estimation Engine (TOFFEE):

That Torchwood Press Release Subtext in Full

They Say: "Torchwood is a 13-part drama series aimed at a post-watershed audience."
They Mean: Torchwood is a 13-part orgy of decadent naughtiness and leather-clad bisexual space captains with the occasional special effect chucked in.

They Say: "...and has an organic link to Doctor Who."
They Mean: ...and let's face it, Captain Jack's been "organically linked" to more people than you've had hot dinners. Come to think of it, he's probably been organically linked to more hot dinners than you've had hot dinners.

They Say: "It's the X Files meets This Life."
They Mean: It's wall-to-wall vodka abuse with the lights off and alien-shagging on the sofa.

They Say: "But at the centre of the drama are warm, human relationships and the overcoming of adversity."
They Mean: But at the centre of the drama are warm human panting naked bodies and the overcoming of the restrictive BBC guidelines on taste and decency.

They Say: "It's going to be a dark, wild and sexy roller-coaster ride."
They Mean: You haven't seen Barry Island Pleasure Beach until you've seen it upside down, stripped bare and covered in a thick layer of candy floss.

They Say: "I can't wait to explore Captain Jack even more."
They Mean: ...and neither can the entire population of South Wales.

* * * * *

Roll on next year, I say...
Tags: torchwood
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