Six Fictional Characters I Want To Punch In The Face
(In no particular order, these
I'll write and number as I please!
And I forewarn both foe and friend
It gets a bit rude at the end...)
1. Bert from Mary Poppins
Now here's a bloke I do not like
I put the blame on Dick Van Dyke
He may claim he's a Cockney gent
But who'd believe that crap accent?
His "Lummee lawks!" and toes a-tapping
Make him a candidate for slapping
And as for passing as a Brit
His success rate is frankly shit
No failure more spectacular
Till Keanu in Dracula....
2. Annie (The Singing Orphan From Hell)
I must admit to feeling sick
Just thinking of this sickly chick
And not just she, but much much more –
I blame this ginger whinger for
A million other stage-school brats
That dance and smirk and yowl like cats
(They make me want to lose my lunch
And all of them deserve a punch)
Her bloody singing drives me wild
I'd spare her mutt but spoil that child
And if to violence she'd succumb
Perhaps "Tomorrow" would never come?
3. Ally McBeal
A blonde stick insect with a suit on
Who once a week eats half a crouton
Her sulky pout and dancing babies
As welcome in my home as rabies
The writers clearly think we love her
But me, I'd rather boxing-glove her
I'd swoop down like a dark destroyer
Upon this single female lawyer
And rather than punch out that flapper
I'd grab her like a twig and snap her...
4. Captain Janeway from Voyager
Now where to start with this dull dame?
I hate her hair, I hate her name
I hate the scripts, I hate her crew
(Well, maybe barring one or two)
The story arcs that never work
I hate her patronizing smirk
She isn't big, she isn't clever
I want her lost in space forever
My Trekkie days may be long gone
But still my urge to punch lives on....
5. Grace from Will and Grace
I can't get into Will and Grace
And I blame this girl's stupid face
She mugs and brags and tosses hair
And somehow, we're supposed to care
The other folk are mildly funny
But I would not watch her for money
If I were Will, my bags I'd pack
And run away with Captain Jack...
6. Kate from Lost
And here's my last and latest hate!
Now tell me, who does NOT hate Kate?
With careless locks of tangled hair
She'll stand upon the beach and stare
And pout and pose and wryly smile
And mope around that bloody isle
I'd rather push her in the sea
Than hear her boring back-storee
I do not care which guy she'll snog
I hope she falls into a bog
And gets dug up in years to come
While we watch Jack shag Sawyer's bum...