Red Scharlach (redscharlach) wrote,
Red Scharlach

HP: They got me on filk and alcohol

Well, it seems that the GoF movie actually had an effect on me. Gosh. More specifically it was the major league campness of Lady Lord Voldy that inspired me to finish the following gushfest of a filk, based of course on one of the worst best... errr, something songs ever written.

You'll Never Beat Lord V
(to the tune of Charlene's I've Never Been To Me)

Enter LORD VOLDEMORT. He throws back his long black cloak to reveal the unusual choice of a full-length sequinned evening gown, gazes mistily into a spotlight and starts to sing:

Hey Harry, young Harry, I destroyed your life
When I killed your saintly father
And his filthy Mudblood wife
I've no doubt you scheme about the day you'll vanquish me
But the plans you've got don't mean diddly-squat
'Cos I've thought it through, you see

Oh, I had a mission, a great ambition
To find a way to cheat death
Now my soul is no longer whole
I'll continue to draw breath
So I'm red-eyed and hairless, I couldn't care less
Cos there's a back-up of me
I've split my soul apart, so you'll never beat Lord V

Oh Harry, poor Harry, don't just run away
For there's many who have wondered why I'm still alive today
Yes, I know you're my top foe, since Dumbledore's demise
But don't dare to bleat that you've got me beat
Cause you're in for a surprise

Oh I may look like crap, but I'm one smart chap
And that why I'm still here today
I took precautions, my soul's in portions
And each one's stowed away
I've been attacked and cursed, folk have done their worst
But old Voldy's still here, you see
I've split my soul apart, so you'll never beat Lord V

Harry, you know what a Horcrux is? It's a spell.
An object you create to hide bits of your soul you want to protect.
And you know what you are?
You're that little baby I shot at, and that boy that vexed me at every turn.
The same one I'm going to make bow before my might. That's the truth, says Voldy!

Oh no, I can't dispute that I'm not as cute
As the days when I was complete
But I don't suppose that I'll miss my nose
When the world lies at my feet
Oh yes, it makes me chortle, now I'm immortal
Just like I wanted to be
Hey Harry, I've split my soul apart, so you'll never beat Lord V
I've split my soul apart, so you'll never beat Lord V

Exit VOLDEMORT, in a swoosh of sequins

* * * * *

In other news, respect is due to David Attenborough and Life in the Undergrowth for bringing the most gobsmacking, no-holds-barred footage of HOT TWO-SLUG ACTION to the nation's TV screens. You might like to know that if you were a leopard slug, sex would involve an hour of foreplay, followed by swinging from a twig on a rope made of mucus, then extruding a large translucent penis half the length of your own body from a hole in your neck, and twizzling it around your hermaphrodite partner's equally sizable member to make a lovely glowy flower shape and get thoroughly fertilized – and then you both drop off the twig and go home. And you thought fanfiction was sexually ambitious...
Tags: filk, harry potter, wonders of nature
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