It is, of course, a much less corporate and cliché'd celebration than some others I could mention, and its traditions are therefore less well-known than they ought to be. So I thought I'd take the opportunity to tell you about:
Six Ways To Celebrate Bitter & Twisted Day
- Spend the entire day slamming every door you can find, as hard as you possibly can. Very satisfying and also burns lots of calories.
- Set up an exclusion zone around yourself – this could be around your desk at work, outside your room at home, or simply around your favourite armchair. Gather together tasty foodstuffs, interesting reading material and decent music inside the zone, and retreat to it as frequently as possible. If anyone challenges your borders, growl at them. Loudly.
- Actions speak louder than words, so save your valuable breath and spend the day communicating your displeasure and resentment to others by means of face-pulling and expressive hand gestures.
- Buy a packet of marshmallows, name each one after someone who has wronged you, and then jump up and down on them all until they are thoroughly squished beyond redemption.
- Visit your local branch of Hallmark or Clinton's Cards, and ask if they have anything dirt cheap and suitable to send to some non-entity you really don't give a toss about. If they say no, demand to know why not. Alternatively, call your local branch of Interflora and ask about delivery charges for a bunch of dead stalks.
- Spend all day cackling to yourself in satisfaction and saying "My plan, my beautiful plan!". When people look unsettled at this, stroke your chin and mutter something about "eternal suffering" and/or "genetically mutated ants".
Of course, you don't have to follow these suggestions – you're welcome to come up with some of your own, and if you do, I'd like to hear about them. It's also worth pointing out some people fall into the misapprehension of assuming that Bitter & Twisted Day is just for the single, but no, it's open to all! The spoken-for might like to dig up some old forgotten source of mutual resentment and pick away at it until a huge row erupts. Or perhaps just disappear into the bathroom with a six-pack of lager, slamming the door and screaming "You just don't understand!" The possibilities are simply endless!
There remains only the task of wishing a Bitter & Twisted Day to everyone... and be sure to let me know how YOU have chosen to celebrate....